dream

frustrating dreams have got me to thinking about my past. more specifically my first love, my first kiss...steven. we're back in school. all the old roommates are there. i see him in a room with half the roomies. i go to the other room. i had just gotten back from delivering some pizza to some girl who knew who i was. apparently i had been there the night before and had dropped money there. i did not remember her. so i get back to the apartment and i see him and i get angry. i remember that he left, that he broke it off with me. the others are also being short with him so he decides to leave. we go downstairs together because i have to go back to get my car to deliver more pizzas. once downstairs it seems like we're in new york. we both stand in the taxi line. we are both going to central station so we decide to share a taxi. once in line he begins to open up to me. he says something about his mother. he begins to cry. i try to kiss him and i drink his tears. we hug. we're somewhere else now. i tell him i loved him since i first met him..he tells me he loves me too. then i say the cliche, "you don't have to say it just because i say it," line.


weird weird weird. sometimes i hate dreams....oh well, time to get ready for work. good news, finally got a new acoustic. now i have to practice. get my fingers used to the pain.

the pain.....

so many things to do, so many thoughts going through my head. wish i had complete alone time. need to clean my room to get creative yet again.

so it appears that I have smoked tobacco yet again. I found a broken cigarette in a box long forgotten in the center console in the truck. score, i thought to myself instantaneously, then i cringed at myself. no, i will not smoke this, i told myself. of course i did. i did other things tonight like bitch at JJ at the grocery store. I am at home now so obviously the evening did not go well.

The beginning of the day set the tone for what was to follow. I distinctly remember telling him last night about a job interview at 10am that would interfere with our previous plans of walking at 9am. I asked if we could walk afterwards? he said yes. this morning i call him after my interview which lasted about 14 minutes to see if he was ready for the walk. he has plans. wuuuuut? he says can he call me back? yes. he does and says, "okay, i blew off my plans, now we can go." "What plans?" I ask. "Nothing, it doesn't matter."

This is the thing. I would love to be with someone who remembers things. Someone who is able to see that not showering for almost 4 or 5 days and not having a problem with that is not a good thing, necessarily. Also, can I please be made a priority? I do all the driving, I used to buy boatloads of things before I saw that I have less than 70 dollars in my bank account. No matter what I did in the past, I will never get anything back from it. I know you're not supposed to do things for your gain, or to benefit, but i guess i thought i could. I thought i would really like that. I can't get that from this one.

more to come later

yummmm

This nicorette gum is so tasty. If I keep saying that, will it become true? Well, maybe in my head it will. So I'm giving up the cigs again. They taste nasty, they're too expensive, and most importantly, my mother will return this Thursday and I had already quit back in April. No back-sliding around the momma-love. At least I'm killing two birds with one stone with the nicorette. Now I don't have to spend three bucks on two packs of gum. I have a whole box of delicious nicorette.

I know I should be cleaning like a mad-woman right about now but my legs won't have it. Earlier today after my most fascinating job interview for a pizza place, JJ, his dogs and I went for a walk along the Bosque. I got in my 11000 steps so that's good but now my legs are sore.

I will not buy cigarettes!
I will not buy cigarettes!

If I can stick to it, I think this may be the best time for me to really hunker down and get fit, lose some pounds, not be so fucking down on myself for all my rolls and bumps and dips. I am eating salads now as a rule of thumb before each meal or as a meal, except for breakfast of course. The egg will never be replaced. Man, I keep rationalizing my procrastination. One more episode of MadMen then it's off to clean the bathroom.

here we go again

so here i am waiting for jj to get home. he went to a funeral rosary. his place is a sanctuary for friends who like to make messes and get fucked up. too much testosterone for my liking. wish jj and i could have a nice peaceful time together. wont happen. too many people. we did take a nice long walk by the river with the dogs this morning though. made my 12000 steps. have to try to lose 5 -10 lbs by august 1st. been unemployed two years now. i need a job already. the end more later.