blargh-squared

As my title suggests, i'm in a funk. I don't think i've made enough progress here in new mexico and my relations with my mother are getting worse, or rather i'm making them worse. Last night for instance, while we were watching t.v. together (1st:Nova an excellent show about black holes, then Frontline with the topic being growing up in China) I kept hastlin' her to go to bed. You see, she kept falling asleep on the recliner. Of course she refused and i continued making my huffy sounds. She finally gets up and says, fine i'll leave, i don't know what you want to do that i have to leave but okay, i bug you...yadda yadda yadda. I'm such a bitch. I just want to be completely alone sometimes.
Anywho...i've been slacking off in all aspects. My room is atrocious. Whenever i enter my room i feel overwhelmed with crap. I just want it gone, most of it. I haven't done anything creative in a while and i think i've pretty much given up on being involved in anything. These things need to change. I didn't even wish my father a happy fathers day because it seems like this huge lie. One day of the year i'm supposed to be all cheery and shit. I think i am so far from what/who i used to be, it's incredible. Mein mother keeps bringing up how i no longer care for what she thinks because i don't do what she tells me to anymore. I think about it and for some reason i can't get down with that. the doing of things just because someone tells you to, because to one person this doesn't seem right. Is that what life is? It's these things that make me question my belief in God. I am a horrible person. I think that's the guilt talking.
In conclusion...fuck it...fuck it all, at least for now.
hopefully my next post won't be so funk filled.
))<>((