conquest.....

i'm listening to white stripes. i'm diggin' this song. hmm...i will finally
meet the boy, next week. it's all good except that at times i revert to
acting like a silly little child, wanting things to go my way. that way
would of course be of the boy liking me and not anyone else.
blargh...yesterday someone told me that i'll find someone, that i have
a great personality. well thank you, i know this but i don't think guys
are into personality, which really turns me off from the whole dating
thing in general.
being non-single is over-rated, i think. perhaps i'm just in denial.
only time will tell.
ps. sometimes i hate my life.

Blargh

I'm getting restless and my dreams have returned.

They've been guy dreams and i've been rejected,

even in my dreams. I don't know what this means.

My mother is back so i've once again been relegated

to the side of the house for smoking cigarretes. The end.

I feel antsy. I don't know what I need.

the winds

There are two windows open in my house. My bedroom window and the window over the kitchen sink. These openings have created a very breezy environment inside the house. This house is full of wind sound. Any and all openings have their own sounds. The vent in the restroom makes a noise of distant beating waves. The vent over the stove has a rattle to it. I step outside and the wind whooshes past me. There are no clouds in the sky today only the sun beating overhead. I like the openness of this place. I dream about being in the open without seeing any walls or buildings. Just land, mountains, sun, wind....earth meeting the sky...the horizon.
The dessert is not for everyone. There is always the risk of falling prey to a fata morgana. Maybe the winds do more than blow. Maybe they whisper secrets to us, but we don't know.

The many lives of men

I've always wondered what goes on in a man's head...the one on top, not on bottom. I know very well what goes on down there....no good, no good i tell you. I am curious to know what sort of thoughts fill their heads and through which thought processes. Upon first 'hearing' of these thoughts, which seem to be blurted out haphazardly, i think that there may be no process. But things are never as simple as that. Every word that we utter out loud has a purpose. So when men go around talking about their non-existent girlfriends with an inflated tone of manly bravado in their voices, i can't help but think that they are sadly just trying to inflate their ego, and maybe have others validate them through their laughter. Men seem to jump right in on these types of conversations and i get the sense of a brotherhood. The brotherhood of the unused cock. No...i kid. But really i am a firm believer that if you spend most of your time talking, you are not doing. Less talk more do, whether that be cooking, working or effing...it's applicable to everything in life.
So yes...I have weird reactions to men implying their sexual victories and prowess through a simple joke. You do not have a girlfriend. You have a wife....and many many kids. I wonder if men ever really accept the life they have chosen willfully when they enter into a marriage. This is why i'm so reluctant to even think about being involved with a man. They can't seem to get over themselves. Anywho...back to work.

gratuitous butt plug

"Who are you?"

A simple question such as this never has an easy answer. It put him on the spot and he had but two choices: to think about it seriously and respond or to deflect her question with a joke about butt plugs. "You are what you plug...." But there was no laughter at his response.

For two years she had been wracking her brain wondering who this man really was. Perhaps she was trying to understand who she was through his answer. She had after all decided to stay with him through two years of torment caused by his inability to form concrete opinions. After all this time she knew she had to prod him to answer...to give word to the unspoken between them.

They had been two opposites flung together through their shared love of juxtapositions. Why not them? they thought to themselves as they entered an agreement where they knew not all the rules. The unspoken seemed to heighten all that they had said. They did not expect their fuel to run out short of the finish line.

"I'm a man of too few words and two great emotions....love and fear." But just what had driven him to such extremes in their relationship? He now had to leave the house at night to find any open mic into which to pour his angst at being a normal twenty-something year old on his way to seeing his life laid out before him, simply uncomplicated. He didn't want this. He wasn't sure he could live so easily. The truth was he was not ready to be ready with her.

She knew the answer as well but like most women could not bear the idea of being alone. She would rather be miserable with someone, anyone, with him. She knew it would be over when she accepted that she wanted to be dominated. Not in a demeaning way, rather in a way that praised her for being so hard to control. Some people needed to be broken. She wanted to be broken. She was tired of holding the reins. The bitch act was getting old. She placed an add in craigslist the next day and was overwhelmed by the sheer number of responses. The men spoke highly of their abilities and claimed to know the secret of her submission. This only, mildly impressed her. At this point she did not know what she wanted, but she did know that she had to end it with mr. butt plug.

"It's over. I told you it was a good idea not to move out of your place. Now you'll just have to hire some movers to get all of your shit out of here. We both know this is the logical conlusion to be reached so why not get to it sooner rather than later. But before you go, would you care for one last shag? If I could only make one suggestion.....?"

"Of course."

It's safe to say that no one will ever read this, which is good because it makes it easier to admit
that i feel like a bumbling fool right now. I operate on contradictions, oscillating from side to side on the spectrum of emotions, thoughts and actions.
For instance, I find myself wishing to be surrounded by men, but when it happens i can't help but
feel akward and out of place. I often, or rather, too often, objectify men. It's all well and good but
i wish it could be taken past the objectifying stage and into the something will definitely happen
stage. Blargh. It's friday and i find myself wishing it were over already. Sometimes i'm great
and all like, 'yeah, man, awesome, good times,whoo,' but now for instance i find no reason
behind anything and i see time as something to get past, to do forevor. Why, though? The
most asked question is the least answered one as well. No one knows or can tell anything about
anything really. Everything is a game and we know not the rules.
I made a huge list of things i wish to accomplish this weekend. At first it filled me with an
emotion close to happiness (maybe at the thought of being busy) but now I see it as a long list of
chores to be tackled, for if they're not they will only keep mounting. It's funny, it seems that
things are more managable when they're not concrete committments. That way you can
juggle everything in the air and feel as if though they are all still possible. Now that i've
committed myself to my to do list all i can think about is that if i were to sit down once and not
focus on the tasks at hand, i will forgo most of them. This is out of the question. Keeping myself
busy is the only way that i have to feel a semblance of sanity. I tell people when they're going
through shit in their lives, 'you gotta keep busy man,' and it's true. The less time i spend think-
ing about my lack of friends or just in general the loneliness that lurks hidden waiting to pounce,
the better. So here it is. My to do list. I love lists and listing...

To Do 05/02-05/04 :2008
-buy drinking water
-change turtle's water
-fix record player
-laundry
-go to DMV (license and registration)
-deposit paycheck
-clean room thouroughly
-put air in bike tires
-go for a bike ride
-work on Julia's and Fatty's package
-pay bills
-wash my truck
-do yoga
-buy cd organizer for car
-vacuum entire house
-clean refrigerator
-pick up the dog doo
-find a tennis partner
-prioritize projects in progress and those yet to be started
*bake clay things
*frame paintings
*work w/plaster and molds
*finish 'samurai-ghost girl' painting
*compile favorite recipes
*create baby picture album
*begin crochet project
*finish knitting project
*get book for book club meeting

and last but not least, *try to talk to more people in the hopes of making friend. yes, singular, friend.
gotta start off slow. The end. I immensely enjoyed listing everything.

Blargh...time to do work things, although my book is getting super awesome right now.
I'm still reading Atlas Shrugged and we're just about to find out who John Galt is. I've read
this book before but i am a book whore and i can't get enough.

))<>((