It's safe to say that no one will ever read this, which is good because it makes it easier to admit
that i feel like a bumbling fool right now. I operate on contradictions, oscillating from side to side on the spectrum of emotions, thoughts and actions.
For instance, I find myself wishing to be surrounded by men, but when it happens i can't help but
feel akward and out of place. I often, or rather, too often, objectify men. It's all well and good but
i wish it could be taken past the objectifying stage and into the something will definitely happen
stage. Blargh. It's friday and i find myself wishing it were over already. Sometimes i'm great
and all like, 'yeah, man, awesome, good times,whoo,' but now for instance i find no reason
behind anything and i see time as something to get past, to do forevor. Why, though? The
most asked question is the least answered one as well. No one knows or can tell anything about
anything really. Everything is a game and we know not the rules.
I made a huge list of things i wish to accomplish this weekend. At first it filled me with an
emotion close to happiness (maybe at the thought of being busy) but now I see it as a long list of
chores to be tackled, for if they're not they will only keep mounting. It's funny, it seems that
things are more managable when they're not concrete committments. That way you can
juggle everything in the air and feel as if though they are all still possible. Now that i've
committed myself to my to do list all i can think about is that if i were to sit down once and not
focus on the tasks at hand, i will forgo most of them. This is out of the question. Keeping myself
busy is the only way that i have to feel a semblance of sanity. I tell people when they're going
through shit in their lives, 'you gotta keep busy man,' and it's true. The less time i spend think-
ing about my lack of friends or just in general the loneliness that lurks hidden waiting to pounce,
the better. So here it is. My to do list. I love lists and listing...

To Do 05/02-05/04 :2008
-buy drinking water
-change turtle's water
-fix record player
-laundry
-go to DMV (license and registration)
-deposit paycheck
-clean room thouroughly
-put air in bike tires
-go for a bike ride
-work on Julia's and Fatty's package
-pay bills
-wash my truck
-do yoga
-buy cd organizer for car
-vacuum entire house
-clean refrigerator
-pick up the dog doo
-find a tennis partner
-prioritize projects in progress and those yet to be started
*bake clay things
*frame paintings
*work w/plaster and molds
*finish 'samurai-ghost girl' painting
*compile favorite recipes
*create baby picture album
*begin crochet project
*finish knitting project
*get book for book club meeting

and last but not least, *try to talk to more people in the hopes of making friend. yes, singular, friend.
gotta start off slow. The end. I immensely enjoyed listing everything.

Blargh...time to do work things, although my book is getting super awesome right now.
I'm still reading Atlas Shrugged and we're just about to find out who John Galt is. I've read
this book before but i am a book whore and i can't get enough.

))<>((