111408/1205pm
1.
the ups and downs are incredible,
i know them well.
looking back i can map out what
happened when, by the point in the
curve at that time.
the point is at the bottom right now.
if this time wasn't tainted with sorrow,
i could liken it to meditating,
to clearing my mind,
for i find myself empty but for the
sorrow.
2.
i love folk music because it speaks
to me it seams
to say things could be worse
but they may be getting better.
then there's the sadness.
the sad sound of the acoustic guitar.
the harmonica solo.
bobby d. had it right.
upbeat folk is good as well.
can't get enough of that tambourine,
beating and clanging out
the sound of solidarity.
making visible the
the invisible ties that bind.
****
I get on this trip listening to music that i like.
I will listen to a song over and over and over again
like it aint no thang. Today's song on loop is called
A Real Time Here by Lloyd & Michael
Above is a video of Lloyd & Michael performing live.
I have no clue what song it is because i cannot hear
sound from the youtube site at work for some reason.
so i guess i'll listen to my post later.
the end.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
i can't get this out of my head
Mirah-Don't Die In Me
and while i was searching for this song, i also came upon this song, which reminds me of the Stardust days. back when i thought i was cool for dipping my toes into the pool of metal...
Children of Bodom-Angels Don't Die
Update...i guess the song is called Angels Dont' Kill
and they really need to work on actually making a video.
Maybe they're too 'effin me'al to bother with making a video.
who knows...i certainly don't....mmmmm, all this talk about metal
is making me want to head bang.
the end
and while i was searching for this song, i also came upon this song, which reminds me of the Stardust days. back when i thought i was cool for dipping my toes into the pool of metal...
Children of Bodom-Angels Don't Die
Update...i guess the song is called Angels Dont' Kill
and they really need to work on actually making a video.
Maybe they're too 'effin me'al to bother with making a video.
who knows...i certainly don't....mmmmm, all this talk about metal
is making me want to head bang.
the end
long-disatance runner
every hello is an eventual goodbye.
all i can do is take you in with my eyes,
but that's never enough.
the touch is needed
to see if you're real.
i doubt my existense, as well.
******
the sun was coming in too bright through the window for it to be five thirty am. it was in fact seven twenty three and she was late again. no use rushing now...now that she knew she would be really late. how does one find the drive to get out of bed when you just barely got into it a few hours before. yes, it was only five hours ago that she had met beard-man. four hours ago that she had gone into a closet with him to fiddle around. she was very interested in fiddling but not the instruments. certain instruments were more useful than others in situations where one finds oneself in a closet with a bearded man. "harder," she told him.
******
i can't hold on to you through your memory.
i have no claim to your time.
you've found your other
so you've got to spend all your time with him not me.
even if we are 1200 miles apart and your actions are logical...
i feel you leaving.
but i've heard that's life...i guess i'm still waiting.
*******
you can't rewrite history
so go out and make your own
or stay in and make it with
the wringing of your hands
as they contemplate the void.
*******
tip:if you get an inkling that you should shower,
it's best not to ignore that feeling/hunch. crunch munch
******
the phone rang at two pm.
it reverberated through the house,
unanswered.
all i can do is take you in with my eyes,
but that's never enough.
the touch is needed
to see if you're real.
i doubt my existense, as well.
******
the sun was coming in too bright through the window for it to be five thirty am. it was in fact seven twenty three and she was late again. no use rushing now...now that she knew she would be really late. how does one find the drive to get out of bed when you just barely got into it a few hours before. yes, it was only five hours ago that she had met beard-man. four hours ago that she had gone into a closet with him to fiddle around. she was very interested in fiddling but not the instruments. certain instruments were more useful than others in situations where one finds oneself in a closet with a bearded man. "harder," she told him.
******
i can't hold on to you through your memory.
i have no claim to your time.
you've found your other
so you've got to spend all your time with him not me.
even if we are 1200 miles apart and your actions are logical...
i feel you leaving.
but i've heard that's life...i guess i'm still waiting.
*******
you can't rewrite history
so go out and make your own
or stay in and make it with
the wringing of your hands
as they contemplate the void.
*******
tip:if you get an inkling that you should shower,
it's best not to ignore that feeling/hunch. crunch munch
******
the phone rang at two pm.
it reverberated through the house,
unanswered.
Cogman....thoughts on cogs and other things 10/16-1029
COGMAN
COGNISANCE
COGMAN...I READ A STORY IN COLLEGE ONCE ABOUT MEN BEING COGS IN THE MACHINE OF SOCIETY...THE WORKING WORLD. I THINK IT WAS SOMETHING THAT WAS WRITTEN BY FYODOR DOSTOEVSKY...OR TOLSTOY.
update...i found it...it's tolstoy
101608/0841am
with today's modern technology not keeping in touch is impossible. if you don't talk to someone it's because you no longer wish to. the barriers of distance and location are no longer there. the days of being on an oceanliner...or home on the prairie without a landline are over. i kind of wished i could go there. would i then want to connect?
0905am
sally don't you godon't you go round the roses...
i love when i hear a song on the itunes radio that i actually have at home on vinyl. this just happenedwith a grace slick and the great society song.i'd like to say that i rule, but i don't...grace slick rules.when i advertise for a roommate for my housei'd like to mention that we can share my record player. but really...will anyone be interested in this. i can'tget over the idea that if i don't move downtown nothing will happen for me. blast those parental ties...no really. blast them, then i'll be free. i can totally afford to live on my own somewhere but i help to pay all the utilities at home. the end. back to work.
1032am
oh my goodness i'm going to go crazy. i can't look at pictures of ***** without being filled with an intense longing. he has a very beautiful girlfriend. i'm so jealous. i want to be with him. someone left a comment in my honesty box saying that they masturbate to me and cum 3-4 times an hour. although this is probably a complete lie...i really wish it came from ***** the end. i need to get laid.
0220PM
estoy tripeando pelotas guey...pero it's not joke. te lo digo seriamente es muy interesante come el cerebro puede aprender tantas cosas. como los ser humanos son capaces de tener tantas lenguas y comnunicarse. quisierra estar en mi casa ahorita...pero solo para poder salir y fumer y entrar y hacer mis cosas o no hacer nada...quisas eso tambien estaria bien padre. el unico dia que puedo ver al muchacho mocho son lon lunes. he estado pensando en las cosas de amores...bueno, pues, las cosas de tener a un chavo, mas bien, pero si seria padre tener novio...no lo se por seguro. una hora con treinta y siete minutos hasta que es tiempo de salir a la casa....pero esto del trabjo ya me aburrio. lo unico que falta para hacer del aburriamento comido es la letra 't.' quisas un dia escriba una novela...quisas quisas quisas.
Este aviso es para informarle de las ofertas que estamos ofreciendo esta semana en nuestros paquetes de maquillaje 'Joder.' tus amigas te diran, "No...Jodas?" y tu les responderas, "Si. Jodas, guey."
101708
0324PM
did i just hear my co-worker tell mikey he could 'be sitting at home stroking"? it's probably not what he said, but if it is then it's eye-opening with what ease these dudes are talking about their dicks.
102008
0717am
i am having a very bad day. it started with my mom and her religion. then i almost burned my car with a cig. then my water bottle falls and breaks. and now i just feel like shit. and i left without giving my dog water and new pee pads. maybe i should just move out once and for all.
102908
0211pm
i never wonder what i missed at work
i always wonder what i missed in the past,
as if that would do any good.
walking away from the coffeeshop i feel dejected,
deflated and maybe some other de words.
not debunked...well perhaps.
i may have debunked myself,
stripped away the veil of self-deceit.
what was left was me, alone,with all my traits,
good or bad.
COGNISANCE
COGMAN...I READ A STORY IN COLLEGE ONCE ABOUT MEN BEING COGS IN THE MACHINE OF SOCIETY...THE WORKING WORLD. I THINK IT WAS SOMETHING THAT WAS WRITTEN BY FYODOR DOSTOEVSKY...OR TOLSTOY.
update...i found it...it's tolstoy
101608/0841am
with today's modern technology not keeping in touch is impossible. if you don't talk to someone it's because you no longer wish to. the barriers of distance and location are no longer there. the days of being on an oceanliner...or home on the prairie without a landline are over. i kind of wished i could go there. would i then want to connect?
0905am
sally don't you godon't you go round the roses...
i love when i hear a song on the itunes radio that i actually have at home on vinyl. this just happenedwith a grace slick and the great society song.i'd like to say that i rule, but i don't...grace slick rules.when i advertise for a roommate for my housei'd like to mention that we can share my record player. but really...will anyone be interested in this. i can'tget over the idea that if i don't move downtown nothing will happen for me. blast those parental ties...no really. blast them, then i'll be free. i can totally afford to live on my own somewhere but i help to pay all the utilities at home. the end. back to work.
1032am
oh my goodness i'm going to go crazy. i can't look at pictures of ***** without being filled with an intense longing. he has a very beautiful girlfriend. i'm so jealous. i want to be with him. someone left a comment in my honesty box saying that they masturbate to me and cum 3-4 times an hour. although this is probably a complete lie...i really wish it came from ***** the end. i need to get laid.
0220PM
estoy tripeando pelotas guey...pero it's not joke. te lo digo seriamente es muy interesante come el cerebro puede aprender tantas cosas. como los ser humanos son capaces de tener tantas lenguas y comnunicarse. quisierra estar en mi casa ahorita...pero solo para poder salir y fumer y entrar y hacer mis cosas o no hacer nada...quisas eso tambien estaria bien padre. el unico dia que puedo ver al muchacho mocho son lon lunes. he estado pensando en las cosas de amores...bueno, pues, las cosas de tener a un chavo, mas bien, pero si seria padre tener novio...no lo se por seguro. una hora con treinta y siete minutos hasta que es tiempo de salir a la casa....pero esto del trabjo ya me aburrio. lo unico que falta para hacer del aburriamento comido es la letra 't.' quisas un dia escriba una novela...quisas quisas quisas.
Este aviso es para informarle de las ofertas que estamos ofreciendo esta semana en nuestros paquetes de maquillaje 'Joder.' tus amigas te diran, "No...Jodas?" y tu les responderas, "Si. Jodas, guey."
101708
0324PM
did i just hear my co-worker tell mikey he could 'be sitting at home stroking"? it's probably not what he said, but if it is then it's eye-opening with what ease these dudes are talking about their dicks.
102008
0717am
i am having a very bad day. it started with my mom and her religion. then i almost burned my car with a cig. then my water bottle falls and breaks. and now i just feel like shit. and i left without giving my dog water and new pee pads. maybe i should just move out once and for all.
102908
0211pm
i never wonder what i missed at work
i always wonder what i missed in the past,
as if that would do any good.
walking away from the coffeeshop i feel dejected,
deflated and maybe some other de words.
not debunked...well perhaps.
i may have debunked myself,
stripped away the veil of self-deceit.
what was left was me, alone,with all my traits,
good or bad.
JUST ANOTHER PODUNK TOWN 09262008
i moved to albuquerque 1 year and 27 daysago. it was a hesitant move but a move nonetheless, more fueled by fear of survival than by true desire. i spent the first few months in a whirlwind of inactivity. it was spent getting used to the idea, if you will, the idea that was now fact. i lived in albuquerque and had definitely left los angeles. although i am not a lifetime angeleno, being there 6.5 years was enough time for me to become a born again one. i bled l.a. well, perhaps it was mostly mental, but there was blood, not always mine. yes, this is what i mean by being a part of the city. living next to a crackhouse...slowly cracking their talk. hearing them mumble, sometimes not so quietly between the hours of one am and five am...and eventually seeing them bleed. they've been shot at, my neighbors, and by default, i experienced this twice. hell, once we almost ran over a dead body. i blame it on the po-po for not taping off the road. so, where was i? oh yes, it was a difficult move considering my love affair with los angeles. i enjoyed the options open to me, for i didn't go out everyday, but i knew i could, if i so desired. here in albuquerque i live in the fuckin' boondocks...or rather all the way in timbuktu. my city is divided into four quadrants. i live in the sw quadrant, in what i believe is the most sw corner of the city...in housing developments. yes they're nice and all, but annoying as hell. yesterday i received a letter from the homeowner's association. it stated that as a part of living in a community i reaped the benefits of a nice community blahblah balh and that on their inspection they saw that my front yard has weeds growing, therefore i must fix this situation before i get fined. fuck you h.o.a. maybe less patroling the neighborhood trying to find ways to make more money and more minding of your own business. so now like a little bitch i have to do it. my mom's out of town and she would not like to be fined. you see the thing is i have no problem with doing this, pulling of weeds. my prob is that i've gone into hermit mode and i really don't want to do things in my front yard for fear that my neighbors will see me. don't get me wrong, i love my neighbors, but the thing is i volunteered once to do obama campaign work, then i didn't do anything after that. obama girl has called me on several occasions and i didn't answer. that is how i deal with things. so now i have to be all up in the front yard, full visibility, and deal with my shame of being a flakey-mc-flaken flake in the eyes of my neighbors. i don't think they'd judge, it's more of me judging myself than anything. to illustrate further my method of dealing with things, i shall tell the story of my bathroom. four days ago as i was getting ready for work, i'm sitting on the pot, and i happen to look into the tub, and what do i see? a centipede thingy...this one has 20 legs on each side...i should google that shit. anywhozers, this creature is still there. i don't want to touch it, i don't want to kill it. i just want it to go away. two days ago as i was in line to get food somewhere. there was a little boy and his father in front of me, and what did this boy have in his hands? a toy centipede. is this a sign from the universe? am i missing out on the message? i don't know.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
i think i felt more connected
well...i shouldn't say 'i think' because i did feel that way this morning. i'm trying to go back to what i learned from Tolle and now what i'm reading in my current book, Facing the Lion, Being the Lion, by Mark Nepo. It's about courage, what it is, how we can find it and how to use it. It has pulled me in. At first i find myself hesitant to read it because i think, what else could i be doing, but when i open it up i find that i don't want to put it down.
aaahhhhh...i guess right now i'm on a journey trying to learn how to live with myself, how to accept everything that i am, how to enjoy everything that happens everyday because each experience is unique. if i can quiet the voice in the head, all the unnecessary thinking, i can find moments of peace. they don't last too long but i guess that's the thing to remember. we can't hold on to things that bring us happiness. those things are not meant to be captured. we have to experience them, then let them go, knowing that we will encounter them again.
i feel silly when i talk about these things, but they are true to me. i want to feel connected with everything and everyone on this planet. i want to change my perspective from , 'why am i alive, life sucks," to, "this is awesome, i love." i didn't say i love a, b, or c because i think love in general is enough. loving all encompassingly is probably the best.
anywho...i'm at work and i'm thinking about a pottery class i'll be going to after work. i'm very excited to get to play with clay.....and the wheel.....
i'm currently listening to one song on repeat on itunes. Song: Don't Die In Me. Artist: Mirah.
i love it.
i'm looking forward to having my sister here for two weeks for Christmas. now that holiday time is upon us it's time to get baking. i'm making some cookies today. i'm going to make these angel cookies http://the9010rule.blogspot.com/2008/10/misc.html .
the end. i guess it's time to work....
aaahhhhh...i guess right now i'm on a journey trying to learn how to live with myself, how to accept everything that i am, how to enjoy everything that happens everyday because each experience is unique. if i can quiet the voice in the head, all the unnecessary thinking, i can find moments of peace. they don't last too long but i guess that's the thing to remember. we can't hold on to things that bring us happiness. those things are not meant to be captured. we have to experience them, then let them go, knowing that we will encounter them again.
i feel silly when i talk about these things, but they are true to me. i want to feel connected with everything and everyone on this planet. i want to change my perspective from , 'why am i alive, life sucks," to, "this is awesome, i love." i didn't say i love a, b, or c because i think love in general is enough. loving all encompassingly is probably the best.
anywho...i'm at work and i'm thinking about a pottery class i'll be going to after work. i'm very excited to get to play with clay.....and the wheel.....
i'm currently listening to one song on repeat on itunes. Song: Don't Die In Me. Artist: Mirah.
i love it.
i'm looking forward to having my sister here for two weeks for Christmas. now that holiday time is upon us it's time to get baking. i'm making some cookies today. i'm going to make these angel cookies http://the9010rule.blogspot.com/2008/10/misc.html .
the end. i guess it's time to work....
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