once a fuck up...always a fuck up

so here's the story. i quit smoking cigs late november last year because i was having tooth probs and i couldn't do it so i figured, "why not quit?" here's the current deal. i took up smoking again because i am weak and addicted. i know that i smoke socially and i know that i love being social. i'm about to leave in a few hours to mexico but of course it couldn't just go as planned. my mom decided to take a peek into my purse and she saw the packs of cigs i bought for the trip. so the end. she's now saying i have no respect for her and i treat her like shit and she gives and gives and gives. she does give. what i don't get is why she keeps expecting things in return. holy shit i just had a revelation. i do the same thing. i buy people things hoping to get in return. i guess that is the lesson i learned today. i will never get anything in return because i am the same way. anywho, now she is outside praying and crying and just being disillusioned with me in general. i guess now she thinks i'm going to mexico to party it up like the devil's spawn.

so i feel terrible. shit is ruined and it's my fault. why didn't i hide those cigs immediately. i already know my fucking mother does not respect my privacy (do not search my purse please) so i should know better. i feel like i will always fuck shit up because i am selfish and i do what i want and i will never be the person she wants me to be. i want her to understand that it is true. i will never be that person. i will always be my fucked up self. why can't she love my fucked up self. i wish she didn't think i was going to hell to burn for eternity for all my sins. she told me, "one day you will regret the things you do." isn't that a great way to live your life...living in fear because of some religion. maybe i will go to hell...maybe i won't. no one knows...you only find out when you die so i guess we'll see.

i wish my mom liked me right now. she doesn't. she said she wanted to tear me apart with her hands. now she's not going to get any sleep tonight and i will be miserable for a few days. now she may not help me with getting my teeth fixed. oh wells, we all gotta go somehow. i will probably die from bad teeth.

We'll meet in Mesopotamia

So i'm almost ready for Mexico. I'm getting together some music. I hate all the steps involved. I need to get one of those fancy music players. I have this little 1GB one which is cool but i have to upload songs from cds in itunes...then convert them to mp3s...then upload them to the music player...arrghhh....

anywho, i'm excited about leaving tomorrow morning. i'm going to be in phoenix for 2.5 hours. i'll be bored out of my mind. def not looking forward to that.

i wish i could be one of those people who packed really light. instead i have this huge suitcase filled with stuff. my reasoning is that i'll be there for nearly two months, so it's okay.

man, i've been hanging out with corazon lately and i gotta say i really like that kid. i will miss him when i'm gone. i feel very selfish around him. i want him all to myself but i know that will never happen. there's something about him that drives me good-crazy. i need to accept that we'll only be friends though.

i remember once when all three of us were hanging out he said he thought he loved this one girl, but that she was too mexican. when we hung out monday night he got a call and i assume it was her because he walks away from the table and i hear him say some sort of pet name. whatevs...there's history there. i'll find something else eventually. being single rules...right? yes, yes it does. i'm not ready for "me" to become "we" so i'm good. unless "we" is really really attractive.

okay back to the music thing...i wonder if i can take prescription pills?

White Sands and then some

I'm waiting for chad to pick me up so we can begin our road trip adventure to white sands. So many things have happened in the past few days. No more therapy. Confusing boy issues...i'm going to mexico july 1st...woo. unemployment things to take care of....

my eyes burn. i stayed up until two cleaning my razzle dazzle for the road. i need to be straight up with chad. i think i'll do it before i leave for mexico. we can go back to friends status. i used to say, "why doesn't anyone like me?" now that someone likes me i say, "why can't someone different like me?" be careful what you ask for....for realz.

okay...bye y'alls. be back, hopefully with good stories to tell.

change

I got laid off this past thursday, right after i returned from lunch. I'm only a little sad. More relieved than anything. I guess life is telling me to go elsewhere, now i just have to decide. I will be going to Mexico pretty soon. My mom suggested I go and I can't turn down a trip to Mexico. I love Mexico. Anywho, i'll be doing that, then Cali for the wedding.

Hmmmm....so many things have happened from thursday to now. I was "that girl" thursday night. I decided to go out downtown directly after leaving work. Lets just say i got crunk. It was such a lovely time, the first half. I chatted it up with some randos and read tons of Bukowski. Lots of chill time. By the time my friends met up with me i was already 5 drinks down. Next came the bottle of rum that was snuck in, in a bag...some more drinks. Some ghetto dancing at the ghetto dancing place. Me walking out to go have a good cry on a bench. Calling friends and saying god knows what. Rejoining the group. Making out with chad in the streets. Falling in the street in front of the bar. No one laughed, i was told. Is this a good thing? whatevs...and later later other things. Freaking out my mom by not calling. Having her call work to find out i was laid off. Coming home eventually only to discover it's okay she saw it coming and now i'm off to Mexico soon. Will i razzle in Mexico...i hope so.

Tomorrow i need to resume with tracking my food and exercise. For reals, i have had way too many carbs today. I'm going to have chad meet my mom tomorrow because our trip to White Sands is still on.

I'm juggling too many things right now. I sometimes do feel like a bitch. I started lying. It's so easy to do...first one then another, then, oh shit i need to keep my story straight.

I wonder if i'm going with this new thing because i can't have what i think my heart truly desires. I know that you can never possess anyone but when i'm around a certain someone i feel a little crazy. I feel like i want to be with this person, but i can't. oh wells....

okay time for something else...razzle, painting, reading or sleep...or all of them. we'll see.

I've been going to the coffee shop and really enjoying my time there. I've been writing a series of poems. At the time they sounded good. Now i know i'm not a writer but as long as i enjoyed it. I'll post them later.

Bankshot

"our vulnerability is all our insensitivity
and it's gonna be the death of us just you wait and see"

Yes. I am currently listening to Operation Ivy...swoooon. They totes take me back to high school. In my senior year I took ceramics and I sat across the table from a really cool punk kid and some other semi-punk, way more emo kid. Okay, the non-punk was completely emo. I remember reading his poem in the high school newspaper. It was about kissing some girl and how marvelous it was and how sad he was that it ended. Of course it was about 20 times longer and way more rhymey and sad...boo hoo..But I digress, I sat across from them and everyday I'd look at the punk kid's vest. It was covered in spikes and patches and it was tore up. This is where I learned of OpIvy...of any punk for that matter. The seed was planted. Here it is, grown. Me at work trying to rock out inconspicuously.

"Caution is a word that I can't understand"

Anywho, I had a really good lunch. I called Chad and talked to him for a good 25 minutes. I razzled. I got an iced-coffee and I talked to a good friend. There's nothing better than bitching to girlfriends about whatev. It's cool when they stick around despite the road-rage. "No, no, i'm not calling you a 'fucking piece of shit." I'm talking to homeboy in the yellow van."

Oh look at the time...time for me to bust out this work. After work i'm walking by the river trails....yay. I wonder what sort of story i'll weave today?

i'm so confused

HOMEBOY=grifter?

are we only friends?
did he ever like me?
why do i always like ppl who don't like me?
why do i feel so sad?
or is it a void?

i want to know more about Homeboy. it seems unnatural this attraction. i just want to forget about the whole thing. change upsets the system.

once you switch gears,
the ride is never the same.

well...

i was going to write about these awesome books i got (TALES OF BEATNIK GLORY BY ED SANDERS and Bukowski's Sifting Through The Madness For The Word, The Line, The Way) but instead i'll take a moment or two to express my feelings of complete powerlessness in our current economic situation. i learned today that as of the end of june i will no longer have health insurance. this has left me feeling a bit delfated but at least it will push me to go to the doctor's before then. what else can i do. oh yeah, our hours have already been cut. all we need next is to actually be fired. wait and see i guess.

i wonder if this is just a part of it...of living here. i wonder if everyone has to go through shit to come out better. i'll just say i hope so for now. i hope things begin to turn around...

okay, question. why doesn't the government give the PEOPLE money? hey lets give some other fools money. i know that we have to revive our economic system but what i don't understand is why bring it back to life? we need a new system. i don't think that'll happen anytime soon though. as long as we are Capitalists there will be no change. i know some people work hard for what they have and that's all good, but there are so many factors left unconsidered.

ps. now i really hope coffee-shop-guy is working today, because looking's free...umkay...and i'm running low on cash.

taking it back old school

Man i'm being hit by a wave of nostalgia. It's the music and the weather. Everything else is new and albuquerque related. Anywhozle, i'm listening to Alkaline Trio's S/T cd and the sky is brown/gray overcast, it just finished raining and it's windy. This would be so perfect if i was still living at Stardust. I could listen to these heart wrenching songs in the gloomy weather thinking of all my unrequited crushes...oh good times. Instead i'm here, eating my Kashi Vive w/blueberries and soymilk, wondering how much work will really get done today? I love procrastinating y'alls. I alread uploaded a shiz load of songs to my new and kind of whack mp3 player.

I dreamt again last night. I think this is the third night in a row. They are pleasant dreams but i still can't remember them. Chad decided to talk to me again. We are going to hang out tonight. I guess que sera sera, but i'm still not attracted to him. How can I be? I mean i've already hooked up with his cute/hot friend. I guess I'm looking for an assertive cute-ish dude. Anywho, yes, we're going to hang out and i'll see if he still wants to go to White Sands next friday. I still want to go. I still...lots of things..

Even though my clothes fit me better today, and my outfit is totes cute today, the number on the scale is still refusing to come down. That's cool. In retaliation i'm going to do the elliptical for 50 minutes today...what what...okay the end. Time to start my work...boo work...boo urns.

ps. i'm totes going to the coffee shop today. I'm prepared. Cute outfit=check, make-up in purse=check, no lunch from home=check. I hope i get in some words with scott....mmmkay? umkay.

pss. i'm totes trying to juggle 2-3 dude things right now...i love multi-tasking.

summer time summer time

even though it's starting to get windy as balls outside i'm still wishing for summertime, which is weird because when it does start getting hot, i'm not going to like it...whatevs..

i've had a very interesting day so far. i've been in texts with an old friend from CA. good times. the end.

after work i'm going to drive around and find something to do except go home...home is for suckas.