once a fuck up...always a fuck up

so here's the story. i quit smoking cigs late november last year because i was having tooth probs and i couldn't do it so i figured, "why not quit?" here's the current deal. i took up smoking again because i am weak and addicted. i know that i smoke socially and i know that i love being social. i'm about to leave in a few hours to mexico but of course it couldn't just go as planned. my mom decided to take a peek into my purse and she saw the packs of cigs i bought for the trip. so the end. she's now saying i have no respect for her and i treat her like shit and she gives and gives and gives. she does give. what i don't get is why she keeps expecting things in return. holy shit i just had a revelation. i do the same thing. i buy people things hoping to get in return. i guess that is the lesson i learned today. i will never get anything in return because i am the same way. anywho, now she is outside praying and crying and just being disillusioned with me in general. i guess now she thinks i'm going to mexico to party it up like the devil's spawn.

so i feel terrible. shit is ruined and it's my fault. why didn't i hide those cigs immediately. i already know my fucking mother does not respect my privacy (do not search my purse please) so i should know better. i feel like i will always fuck shit up because i am selfish and i do what i want and i will never be the person she wants me to be. i want her to understand that it is true. i will never be that person. i will always be my fucked up self. why can't she love my fucked up self. i wish she didn't think i was going to hell to burn for eternity for all my sins. she told me, "one day you will regret the things you do." isn't that a great way to live your life...living in fear because of some religion. maybe i will go to hell...maybe i won't. no one knows...you only find out when you die so i guess we'll see.

i wish my mom liked me right now. she doesn't. she said she wanted to tear me apart with her hands. now she's not going to get any sleep tonight and i will be miserable for a few days. now she may not help me with getting my teeth fixed. oh wells, we all gotta go somehow. i will probably die from bad teeth.