Sledgehammer

true love...
turd love...
it will find me in the end.
the 'turd' is in the 'end'.
look there for the answer.

so here i sit at work thinking about so many things in the past that can never be physically retrieved, only in memories can i look back at them haunting me. they haunt me because i long for those times. i long for the smell in the airs. the sounds, the lights. the wind in my face as i ride shot-gun.

it's a build-up that i feel throughout the length of my body, it just wants to move. it wants to dance foolishly with flailing limbs and kicking legs, without regards to others.

i want to feel the sun warming my cheek as it comes in through the fluttering curtains, in my case a piece of cloth. i want to see through strands of my hair, at the fragmented picture that is created. feeling the warmth, lying in bed, listening to the rustling of the world outside my window.

holding your hand was enough then. feeling your warmth in my hand, knowing you feel mine too. tracing the lines in your palm with my middle finger...i'm not flipping you off.

how can i not care about the details when they're all that's left.

This is making me nuts.

Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain

I'm becoming impervious to the morning cold. My hands are chapping, they need lotion. I need more dreams. I need more sleep.

Boys: I've held on to an image of what i would like in a boy/guy. It might be more of a feeling right now. I always wanted someone to hold hands with. Someone who is a bit crazy but not as much as me. I want someone who i wouldn't mind having around for breakfast. Someone to listen to records with. Must razzle-dazzle. non-smoker.

"Stop breathing, stop breathing, Breathing for me now. Write it on a post-card, "Dad they broke me. Dad they broke me."
"Nothing gets me off more completly than when you put it down, ten feet down in the ground. Call it a response to negative home."

Can I find someone like this song, Stop Breathing by Pavement? I like it all.
me memememememememememememe....i get tired of myself.

observing

i'm feeling better today. i'm just trying to observe things. i could be freaking out about life, but, my question is "Why?" There is no point to all that. i used to get pissed off at an old friend who used to say, "To each his own." man, i can't tell you how that pissed me off. I really wanted everyone to have strong passions for everything, i wanted people w/definite opinions. I was entrenched in a dualistic mind-set. Now i see that that is the truth...every person is unique. I can't expect everyone to agree w/me, although at times my ego really wants this. but whatevs...aint no thang but a chicken wang....hahahahahaha

i am going to join the church choir today, if they'll have me.

i am also going to make some bomb-ass food.

the end.

i'm listening to the dixie chicks.

everybody's working for the weekend

so it's monday and my weekend is over. je suis le bummed-out man. my only consolation is that the week will fly by and the next weekend will be here before i know it. but then, time is just zooming by. it seems to be going by faster now for some reason.

this weekend i had random interactions with people. they were nice. i don't hate everyone.

today for dinner i am going to make stuffed zucchinis. they should be good. the end.

also to-do today is reorganize my records. i wish i had somewhere better to put my records. i feel as if they need to be closer to the record player and more visible. or rather more easily accessed and thumbed through.

COMFY IN NAUTICA

this song my Panda Bear is lulling me to sleep. i wish i didn't have to stay awake. work would be so awesome if you could sleep. like really, if they let us sleep, i'd work super-hard for like 4 hours, get 90% of my shiz done, then nap. i am talking cray-cray.

it is serious cleaning time when i get home.

this chamomille and mint tea is off-the-chain good. i lurve tea.

1hr23min left in my work day. i love the weekends.

i feel like doing something impulsive. not quite sure what yet though.


i took this picture the last June i was in los angeles. we had gone to this place, i'm trying to remember the name...it's good thai food w/karaoke. hollywood thai...maybe. i just checked...and it was Hollywood Thai Cuisine. that's scary. how can i not remember other things, but the name of a random restaurant, yes. Anywho, we went, drank, ate and sang. I was very nervous because the boy i really really liked went. We sang a song together. i sang pink floyd and peter paul and mary.
the end.

blowin' kisses to disinterested bitches

i really like this song (Good Friday) by the band Why?. it was burned on a mix-cd. it's a really good cd. props to good mix-cd makers. anywho. i'm at work and i have cramps. can i go home now? probs not cuz i stayed home yesterday. i did absolutely nothing and it was glorious. today i cannot do nothing. today immediately after work i run errands and clean.

so the thing w/the boy is cloudy right now. i can see how people go crazy in situations regarding the opposite sex, if you're into that opposite-sex thing. anywho, he said he'd call and he didn't and now i'm like freaking out...sort of. maybe it's all the period hormones but i wish i had more clarity about the situation.

oh poops...i still have to call and cancel todays therapy. i have too much cleaning to do.

the end for now. i bore myself. i'm going to do work now.

a new earth

I received in the mail the package my friend, nehizzle, sent me for christmas/new years, go January! It's seriously a good package, umkay.
The Contents:
bomb-ass incense (i love incense)
taj-mahal tea
cool incense holder
A New Earth by Tolle
Metal Wallet thingy
Hamlet 2 DVD

Shortly after opening this box i was trying to use everything. that's how much i liked it. i should send more packages considering how happy they make me when i recieve them. yeah man, more packages time. well actually i have to wait until i get paid or else i can't buy more goodies for the boxes.

i am so sleeeeeeeeeeeepy. i did not follow through with my plan of not sitting on my bum at home. i did indeed sit on my bum doing nothing much until around 8:30 pm. Then i started washing dishes and organizing the kitchen cabinets. Both jobs are still in progress, but i feel more hopeful today. I will continue w/it today. Then i can focus on meal plans and record organizing. Then ultimately i want to focus on making things on a reg. schedule. Fur realz.

man i have to pee hardcore.
ill beee baaaaaaaaaack.

[PAUSE]

[RESUME]

i feel better now. a nap would greatly help though.
i went to sleep at 1:03 am. i began reading A New Earth.
I didn't want to stop reading, but i had to. I shall read more today. I'm excited about this. the end.

on a lighter note...

Yo Yo Ma is rocking out right now.