trippin unknown balls

well i may know what it is but dammmn. i used to do the wet noodle dance where basically you're a spaghetti noodle swaying in the wind. right now i feel like that all the time.....

beer beer and more beer

so i'm at the house drinking with my cousin. nos estamos poniendo bien pedos y todavia estamos un poso pachecos. eeejjjaai.....

atlas shrugged

so i'm re-reading this book yet again. i'm in the living room. my cousins are stripping plastic wire to obtain the copper inside. it reminded me of D'Anconia Copper. i'm in love with Francisco D'Anconia. that was a tangent...the end.

i miss coffee-shop guy.

ja

my cousins friends are cute. the end. we are planning on going out tonight but we don't know where yet. i hope i'm able to be interesting and such. it's difficult trying to talk casually over here because i'm not down with the lingo yet. i've learned a few things though...okay, time to go find somewhere to make copies.

i am in a small town

and it's hot as balls...like big sweaty balls. i am watching southpark online. i wish this town had a coffee shop. i miss my car. i wonder how my turtle is doing. i need to decide what to do this weekend. i've been invited to two places. i kind of want to stay here though just so that i can go out on friday night and party with my cousins.

i miss the razzle dazzle...and the coffee shop guy. i wonder how he's doing?

once a fuck up...always a fuck up

so here's the story. i quit smoking cigs late november last year because i was having tooth probs and i couldn't do it so i figured, "why not quit?" here's the current deal. i took up smoking again because i am weak and addicted. i know that i smoke socially and i know that i love being social. i'm about to leave in a few hours to mexico but of course it couldn't just go as planned. my mom decided to take a peek into my purse and she saw the packs of cigs i bought for the trip. so the end. she's now saying i have no respect for her and i treat her like shit and she gives and gives and gives. she does give. what i don't get is why she keeps expecting things in return. holy shit i just had a revelation. i do the same thing. i buy people things hoping to get in return. i guess that is the lesson i learned today. i will never get anything in return because i am the same way. anywho, now she is outside praying and crying and just being disillusioned with me in general. i guess now she thinks i'm going to mexico to party it up like the devil's spawn.

so i feel terrible. shit is ruined and it's my fault. why didn't i hide those cigs immediately. i already know my fucking mother does not respect my privacy (do not search my purse please) so i should know better. i feel like i will always fuck shit up because i am selfish and i do what i want and i will never be the person she wants me to be. i want her to understand that it is true. i will never be that person. i will always be my fucked up self. why can't she love my fucked up self. i wish she didn't think i was going to hell to burn for eternity for all my sins. she told me, "one day you will regret the things you do." isn't that a great way to live your life...living in fear because of some religion. maybe i will go to hell...maybe i won't. no one knows...you only find out when you die so i guess we'll see.

i wish my mom liked me right now. she doesn't. she said she wanted to tear me apart with her hands. now she's not going to get any sleep tonight and i will be miserable for a few days. now she may not help me with getting my teeth fixed. oh wells, we all gotta go somehow. i will probably die from bad teeth.

We'll meet in Mesopotamia

So i'm almost ready for Mexico. I'm getting together some music. I hate all the steps involved. I need to get one of those fancy music players. I have this little 1GB one which is cool but i have to upload songs from cds in itunes...then convert them to mp3s...then upload them to the music player...arrghhh....

anywho, i'm excited about leaving tomorrow morning. i'm going to be in phoenix for 2.5 hours. i'll be bored out of my mind. def not looking forward to that.

i wish i could be one of those people who packed really light. instead i have this huge suitcase filled with stuff. my reasoning is that i'll be there for nearly two months, so it's okay.

man, i've been hanging out with corazon lately and i gotta say i really like that kid. i will miss him when i'm gone. i feel very selfish around him. i want him all to myself but i know that will never happen. there's something about him that drives me good-crazy. i need to accept that we'll only be friends though.

i remember once when all three of us were hanging out he said he thought he loved this one girl, but that she was too mexican. when we hung out monday night he got a call and i assume it was her because he walks away from the table and i hear him say some sort of pet name. whatevs...there's history there. i'll find something else eventually. being single rules...right? yes, yes it does. i'm not ready for "me" to become "we" so i'm good. unless "we" is really really attractive.

okay back to the music thing...i wonder if i can take prescription pills?

White Sands and then some

I'm waiting for chad to pick me up so we can begin our road trip adventure to white sands. So many things have happened in the past few days. No more therapy. Confusing boy issues...i'm going to mexico july 1st...woo. unemployment things to take care of....

my eyes burn. i stayed up until two cleaning my razzle dazzle for the road. i need to be straight up with chad. i think i'll do it before i leave for mexico. we can go back to friends status. i used to say, "why doesn't anyone like me?" now that someone likes me i say, "why can't someone different like me?" be careful what you ask for....for realz.

okay...bye y'alls. be back, hopefully with good stories to tell.

change

I got laid off this past thursday, right after i returned from lunch. I'm only a little sad. More relieved than anything. I guess life is telling me to go elsewhere, now i just have to decide. I will be going to Mexico pretty soon. My mom suggested I go and I can't turn down a trip to Mexico. I love Mexico. Anywho, i'll be doing that, then Cali for the wedding.

Hmmmm....so many things have happened from thursday to now. I was "that girl" thursday night. I decided to go out downtown directly after leaving work. Lets just say i got crunk. It was such a lovely time, the first half. I chatted it up with some randos and read tons of Bukowski. Lots of chill time. By the time my friends met up with me i was already 5 drinks down. Next came the bottle of rum that was snuck in, in a bag...some more drinks. Some ghetto dancing at the ghetto dancing place. Me walking out to go have a good cry on a bench. Calling friends and saying god knows what. Rejoining the group. Making out with chad in the streets. Falling in the street in front of the bar. No one laughed, i was told. Is this a good thing? whatevs...and later later other things. Freaking out my mom by not calling. Having her call work to find out i was laid off. Coming home eventually only to discover it's okay she saw it coming and now i'm off to Mexico soon. Will i razzle in Mexico...i hope so.

Tomorrow i need to resume with tracking my food and exercise. For reals, i have had way too many carbs today. I'm going to have chad meet my mom tomorrow because our trip to White Sands is still on.

I'm juggling too many things right now. I sometimes do feel like a bitch. I started lying. It's so easy to do...first one then another, then, oh shit i need to keep my story straight.

I wonder if i'm going with this new thing because i can't have what i think my heart truly desires. I know that you can never possess anyone but when i'm around a certain someone i feel a little crazy. I feel like i want to be with this person, but i can't. oh wells....

okay time for something else...razzle, painting, reading or sleep...or all of them. we'll see.

I've been going to the coffee shop and really enjoying my time there. I've been writing a series of poems. At the time they sounded good. Now i know i'm not a writer but as long as i enjoyed it. I'll post them later.