Sledgehammer

true love...
turd love...
it will find me in the end.
the 'turd' is in the 'end'.
look there for the answer.

so here i sit at work thinking about so many things in the past that can never be physically retrieved, only in memories can i look back at them haunting me. they haunt me because i long for those times. i long for the smell in the airs. the sounds, the lights. the wind in my face as i ride shot-gun.

it's a build-up that i feel throughout the length of my body, it just wants to move. it wants to dance foolishly with flailing limbs and kicking legs, without regards to others.

i want to feel the sun warming my cheek as it comes in through the fluttering curtains, in my case a piece of cloth. i want to see through strands of my hair, at the fragmented picture that is created. feeling the warmth, lying in bed, listening to the rustling of the world outside my window.

holding your hand was enough then. feeling your warmth in my hand, knowing you feel mine too. tracing the lines in your palm with my middle finger...i'm not flipping you off.

how can i not care about the details when they're all that's left.

This is making me nuts.

Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain

I'm becoming impervious to the morning cold. My hands are chapping, they need lotion. I need more dreams. I need more sleep.

Boys: I've held on to an image of what i would like in a boy/guy. It might be more of a feeling right now. I always wanted someone to hold hands with. Someone who is a bit crazy but not as much as me. I want someone who i wouldn't mind having around for breakfast. Someone to listen to records with. Must razzle-dazzle. non-smoker.

"Stop breathing, stop breathing, Breathing for me now. Write it on a post-card, "Dad they broke me. Dad they broke me."
"Nothing gets me off more completly than when you put it down, ten feet down in the ground. Call it a response to negative home."

Can I find someone like this song, Stop Breathing by Pavement? I like it all.
me memememememememememememe....i get tired of myself.

observing

i'm feeling better today. i'm just trying to observe things. i could be freaking out about life, but, my question is "Why?" There is no point to all that. i used to get pissed off at an old friend who used to say, "To each his own." man, i can't tell you how that pissed me off. I really wanted everyone to have strong passions for everything, i wanted people w/definite opinions. I was entrenched in a dualistic mind-set. Now i see that that is the truth...every person is unique. I can't expect everyone to agree w/me, although at times my ego really wants this. but whatevs...aint no thang but a chicken wang....hahahahahaha

i am going to join the church choir today, if they'll have me.

i am also going to make some bomb-ass food.

the end.

i'm listening to the dixie chicks.

everybody's working for the weekend

so it's monday and my weekend is over. je suis le bummed-out man. my only consolation is that the week will fly by and the next weekend will be here before i know it. but then, time is just zooming by. it seems to be going by faster now for some reason.

this weekend i had random interactions with people. they were nice. i don't hate everyone.

today for dinner i am going to make stuffed zucchinis. they should be good. the end.

also to-do today is reorganize my records. i wish i had somewhere better to put my records. i feel as if they need to be closer to the record player and more visible. or rather more easily accessed and thumbed through.

COMFY IN NAUTICA

this song my Panda Bear is lulling me to sleep. i wish i didn't have to stay awake. work would be so awesome if you could sleep. like really, if they let us sleep, i'd work super-hard for like 4 hours, get 90% of my shiz done, then nap. i am talking cray-cray.

it is serious cleaning time when i get home.

this chamomille and mint tea is off-the-chain good. i lurve tea.

1hr23min left in my work day. i love the weekends.

i feel like doing something impulsive. not quite sure what yet though.


i took this picture the last June i was in los angeles. we had gone to this place, i'm trying to remember the name...it's good thai food w/karaoke. hollywood thai...maybe. i just checked...and it was Hollywood Thai Cuisine. that's scary. how can i not remember other things, but the name of a random restaurant, yes. Anywho, we went, drank, ate and sang. I was very nervous because the boy i really really liked went. We sang a song together. i sang pink floyd and peter paul and mary.
the end.

blowin' kisses to disinterested bitches

i really like this song (Good Friday) by the band Why?. it was burned on a mix-cd. it's a really good cd. props to good mix-cd makers. anywho. i'm at work and i have cramps. can i go home now? probs not cuz i stayed home yesterday. i did absolutely nothing and it was glorious. today i cannot do nothing. today immediately after work i run errands and clean.

so the thing w/the boy is cloudy right now. i can see how people go crazy in situations regarding the opposite sex, if you're into that opposite-sex thing. anywho, he said he'd call and he didn't and now i'm like freaking out...sort of. maybe it's all the period hormones but i wish i had more clarity about the situation.

oh poops...i still have to call and cancel todays therapy. i have too much cleaning to do.

the end for now. i bore myself. i'm going to do work now.

a new earth

I received in the mail the package my friend, nehizzle, sent me for christmas/new years, go January! It's seriously a good package, umkay.
The Contents:
bomb-ass incense (i love incense)
taj-mahal tea
cool incense holder
A New Earth by Tolle
Metal Wallet thingy
Hamlet 2 DVD

Shortly after opening this box i was trying to use everything. that's how much i liked it. i should send more packages considering how happy they make me when i recieve them. yeah man, more packages time. well actually i have to wait until i get paid or else i can't buy more goodies for the boxes.

i am so sleeeeeeeeeeeepy. i did not follow through with my plan of not sitting on my bum at home. i did indeed sit on my bum doing nothing much until around 8:30 pm. Then i started washing dishes and organizing the kitchen cabinets. Both jobs are still in progress, but i feel more hopeful today. I will continue w/it today. Then i can focus on meal plans and record organizing. Then ultimately i want to focus on making things on a reg. schedule. Fur realz.

man i have to pee hardcore.
ill beee baaaaaaaaaack.

[PAUSE]

[RESUME]

i feel better now. a nap would greatly help though.
i went to sleep at 1:03 am. i began reading A New Earth.
I didn't want to stop reading, but i had to. I shall read more today. I'm excited about this. the end.

on a lighter note...

Yo Yo Ma is rocking out right now.

even though....

i am work, wishin i were at home. i wonder what's going through PBO's head. i'd be trippin' balls if i were him. history.

i feel so down, man

with my mom now gone, now i feel sad again. i knew i was going to be sad when she left. anywho, now i'm all alone in that house and i need a schedule and i need to start doing things.
To Do:
1. Clean Kitchen
2. Organize Cabinets
3. Clean out Fridge
4. Clean turtle tank
5. Clean bathroom
6. Clean room
7. Do massive food prep
8. Prepare food menu for upcoming week
9. Go for a daily walk
10. Play with guero
11. Pick up his crap
12. Pay the bills
13. Buy water
14. Organize records


i'm sure there will be more but as long as i do 1-2 of these a day i should consider myself successful. i really need to put some sort of lock on the tv and have the couch vanish so i won't park my buns there immediately after work. i need to have more discipline. blargh. i also didn't lost significant weight this week. that sucks. oh well. maybe i shouldn't eat cookies and milk when i wake up at night (1am). yes that would definitely help. okay....i think i feel better. blargh.

bubble tea time

oh how i missed those litte balls in my mouth...i used to buy bubble tea all the time in l.a. but i haven't done so here in abq. i did buy large tapioca balls a while back and i've been waiting to use them. i think now is the time. i just found this super awesome website with tons on info on how to make it...i am very excited.

since it takes a bit of time, i will give it a go this weekend. i feel so restless, like right now i just want to thrash around...could i have Restless Body/Mind Syndrome? probs leaning more toward the restless mind. i just wish i could be doing so many things right now...now. but then i start thinking of all the shit in my life that needs sorting or cleaning and i let that stop me from doing other things.

i miss my brazilian girls cd. i wonder if they make records?

man i just have these images in my head of me in the wind, being light and breezy. okay, wtf is wrong with me. i feel like i'm going crazy....it's most likely that it's all just a bit of the ol' pre-mentrual fun times.

i miss crazy adventures. i miss l.a. i miss my friends.

man, this post started off so positive, with talk of tapioca balls all up in my mouth in the near future...and now i'm here. i think i'll feel better in about 45 minutes when i get to leave. i have therapy today. i really hate driving to the NE. i was going to say the traffic is bad but it isn't really. have i forgotten l.a? well bit by bit, i guess i am.

so i met dude. i seem to think about him, but not about anything specifically, just about him. i dont' know what this means. i don't think anyone's ever liked me...okay maybe someone has. but anywho, i find myself wanting to just hang out with him. it really does remind me of a high school thing. he seems very shy about kissing me, or rather about being aggresive, which i am all about. but anywhos...i just want to be at home (in a clean home w/well organized kitchen cabinets + fridge) w/the chess board set-up, maybe some razzle dazzle, def some bomb ass music and the boy. lets play chess. maybe i do like awkwardness? it beats predictability...or does it?

man, this post is all about the question mark?
i like how i made that a question.

anywho here's the link to the bomb-ass site w/boba instructions...in a nutshell

http://www.ellenskitchen.com/recipebox/bubblet.html

the end...i have some work to do....i guess.
))<>((

if i was a cartoon, my head would explode right about now...

if only things were that easy. i wish i could turn into a cartoon so i could do all sorts of crazy destructive shit, then return to human form and feel better. it's just one of those days, when i need to be all alone, away from everyone cuz i really feel like i hate everything right now.

i just need to get everything organized then i won't feel so cuckoo-bananas. i just need to focus this negative energy on getting shit done in the office, then when i go home i can think about my life and all the motherfuckin' money i owe...

i wish i had dental insurance. i hope i don't die of a tooth-related death. although with my life, that would be fitting.

the end...more misery later

we all love something...

this dude really really likes stalactites....and that's cool.

i'd rather be cooking...

instead of being at work, i'd rather be at home, cooking. i wish i could wake up, then cook, like that is what i do all day, cook, w/the intermitent razzle-dazzle break mind you. anywho, i was looking through Tastespotting.com and i found something i'd like to try. it'd called cooking sous vide...or rather, cooking in a vacuum sealed platic bag at low temperatures for an extended amount of time. it doesn't look too difficult, the difficult part i'm imagining is maintaining the temp and then waiting a butload of time for it to cook. the end.

i'll try this how they tried it, w/carrots, butter, and some sort of flavor agent, mayhaps garlic + rosemary....

You know my coffee drinkin' days are over...

Please imagine the title sung to Belle and Sebastian's "My wandering days are over." But it's true, i think, or at least it's true for the week. I'm trying to stick to iced-tea in the mornings instead. I do miss coffee though, but it reminds me too much of the good life: the friends, the cute coffee servers, the friends-again, waking up late and not doing anything with my day but drinking coffee and smoking cigarretes and chillin'. Yeah those days are over.

Why do i have such a big boner for Stephen Malkus?



))<>((

lunch time happenings

this is what i saw on the way back to work after hauling ass to costco to pick up my new glasses....it was super nice. i had the clouds, wind in my hair and the romeo and juliet s/t. the end. these are my new glasses.

BEARD MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

beard man, who by the way no longer has a beard (boo), just came in. i didn't get to stare at him as much as i wanted cuz he was talking to the boss-man. blargh. homeboy is hot okay. he seems like a manly-man...and he curses some...and he's tall and yes..
i'll stop there. get it together rachel...come on woman you can do it. my day just brightens up when i see beards on hot men or just think about them.
scruffy beards...yes please.

i want to meet some intellectual wild mountain men...then i can choose one, or two.

the end.

will i ever get work done with men on my mind?

now if only i could separate these beard men and put myself in the middle...

Chad and Jeremy...bringin' it back

i'm listening to Oldiesradio.fm on itunes and they're playing my jam. this song is on the first LP that i ever bought, up in Santa Barbara, CA. A Summer Song by Chad and Jeremy. I bought this record because i thought the cover was nice and the dudes looked semi-cute. i couldn't really make out the details of their faces, since the cover was worn....

oooh, now they're playing "Take Me Home Tonight" by Eddie Money. you better believe i'm groovin'.

the end.

This is the cover of the first record i bought...they look kind of cute.



......
the look pretty groovy here...but in the end not as cute as i thought.

wah wah wee wah

i'm hesitant about therapy. i mean, it's nice once i'm there, but i guess that's how i feel about everything. i want to do things but don't want to do the work, but when they're actually hapenning i'm glad i did it.

[muh hair smells so good right now....................................................
i have to go #2.......................................................................
i want to go bowling...]

so i've got therapy today...i wonder what i'll talk about? probs about how life is b/s..no just kidding. i'm working on that...anywho.

i woke up feeling super refreshed this morning. my mom folded my big mexican blanket in half, laid it atop the flannel sheet and under a colorful squares polyester quilt thing my deceased uncle made years ago. so in conclusion, that blankets were heavy on me, just the right amount of heavy...enough so that i wasn't wiggling around too much all night. and i don't remember any dreams, so yay. cuz when i do then i get to thinking and you know i don't need that. although day before yesterday i did dream about my teeth...about how one of them was falling apart. scary...cuz it's kinda true, but anyway, i want to dream about something that will tell me something about my life, or what's to come. i wish i could rely on a dream to show me the way or give me hope about things, but for the most part all that my dreams do are frustrate me. blargh....i need a dude, or not. who knows?

i'm out...time to work and stuff.

i am le cray-cray

Your result for The Crazy Test...

You're insane!

You scored 4 Sane, 6 Insane, 2 Crazy, 6 Weird and 4 NeedHelp!

Don’t take that the wrong way. There’s nothing wrong with you.

Deep down inside: you wish someone would offer you candy.

Your great abiding passion is: confused

Your innermost fear is: uncontrolled

Your greatest strength is: you are very innovative

Your deepest regret is: no one understands you

Your most sincere hope is: you get out soon

Your best quality is: the way you express yourself

Your weakest trait is: communication

Your reason for living is: unknown

When your star is in Jupiter, you will find a coin in the moonlight. Watch for elephants on the 5^th. Love looks for you around the corner, so don’t wear a disguise. Look for a sign in the flower petals on the 16^th.

When you grow up you will be a captive.

You will have 47 children and 7 cars.

You will live in an alternate reality.

Your spouse’s name will be unimportant.

You will be rich beyond your wildest dreams.

Everyone will love you.

Wisdom will follow you all of your days.

The King of Spades indicates your future. The Card of Death represents a sudden change. The Seven of Sticks turned upside down shows your past.

You were born in the year of the Lizard. Your Sign is Square. In your past life, you were alive. Your wrinkles tell the story of your life. Your destiny is unfolding.

Take The Crazy Test

WARM DUMP+other moments=awkward

visualize this:

two dudes, standing side by side, jutting out their stomachs, in a contest if you will to see whose is bigger. guy number 1 says, "now if only i can push this down to other places." Guy#2 says, "your feet." Guy#1 says, "no, somewhere else."

Talk about subtlety.

I need a nap.

I Quit....my worst fears have been confirmed

After all this time, these accumulated years of life, i can reluctantly say I'm a quitter. I quit, yo. I finally stopped filling my lungs with tar. No more nicoteine, although maybe 15-40% of me really wants to smoke one...sort of...who knows...blargh...this is what happens when i quit. The doubting, the rationalizing, the craving. But on the upside to this i have been knitting waaaay more, and i actually cleaned my room the other day and i didn't need to sneak outside to smoke 4 cigs...or something like that. I'd like to see how much i spent on cigs...i saved most of my receipts so if i tried i could compile the stats for a period of time then just do some math. I love math...okay maybe i'll do it, then i can focus on trying to save that much money for retirement, or something....or even better, use that money to visit friends.

Faux Realz...quitting is mind-blowing. It just seems silly that i have to tell myself not to do something. i'm used to doing what i like, for the most part when i like. i don't like rules yo, not even self-imposed ones...but i'll live.

After quitting it dawned on me that everywhere i went i smelled of nasty ass cigs. Eww urghs...blah, they really do smell...and that WAS me. Now lets just hope i don't eat myself to morbidly-obese heights, or better yet, widths.

Last night as i was lying in bed before sleep, i focused on breathing in and out, in and out. It was very relaxing. I need to think about breathing, more often.

Pics below are mostly for me, in my effort to not smoke the death-stick....

i have no clue what's going on in this picture but rest assured it is gross....and unfortunately, because i chose to smoke for about 6 years, my lungs are probs somewhat black too. totally gross. (http://www.watauga.k12.nc.us/staff/felkera/smokers_lungs1.JPG )

I was looking for some other pics and came upon this blog. They say it all and probs even more, oh so well...so peep it yo.

http://whyihatesmoking.blogspot.com/

the end....time to get ready for lunch.....shrimp and veggie stir-fry=i rule.

ftw

Just makin' some convo Yo...

so i log into this dating site thingy that i find rather amusing, you know, just to see what's going on, what's poppin'....just kidding, i lie...i'm only looking for some eye-candy, but whatevs...

i'm on it for like two minutes when i get a message from some dude.....

please enjoy!!

The question is, would i ever suck an 1-1/2" d?

I was going to just close the window, because i don't know him, and this can only lead to one place....

his webcam. But i decided to fuck with him and ask why? was he offering, all the way from FL?

Was he actually trying to find someone to suck his small peen? Could this have possibly been one of those

fairy tale situations where depending on my answer, which depended on my 'goodness' as a person, i would've

been rewarded. Sort of like the tale of the princess kissing the frog. Once the kiss is administered the frog turns

into a prince. Is this dude looking for someone like that? But i guess my chances of finding out were sabotaged by the site's IM'ing system. If i may ask, wtf is "Podmena traffica test 3f"? Because that's all that appeared when i sent a message....But it doesn't matter, it ended a bit shortly, with him calling me a 'bitch.' Well isn't that nice, it's almost like he read my entire profile. Sweet.