blakheick

so now i'm confused about chad. i blame it on a dream i had two nights ago. i dreamed that his ex was hanging with us and they were in each others grills. i think i felt jealous. does this mean anything? even though i try to talk to other dudes i think it bothers me to know that he's doing the same thing with girls. WTF...i know, i'm being retarded. okay bye...time to make my egg salad sandwich for breakfast.

more on this later. i need to grow a pair....

things that make you go hmmmmm?

okay, so the thing about making plans is that they never work out the way you thought they would. about the movie, now i'm not sure. chad want's me to pick him up after work. i get out at 3. the movie starts at 3:30. problemo-mucho? maybe.

anywhozle...i think i ate too much. too many grams of fat, not enough protein, and if i go and have drinks that'll only mean more carbs. but....i said i'd be good today so i should be able to get home at a relatively decent hour and exercise...right? i hope so.

i feel like such a cuckoo when i go to the coffee shop razzled and i talk alot to the person ringing me up. today i was asking abuot healthier options and then asking for no mayo...and a side salad. i fucked up when i said blue cheese dressing though. those little fuckers (fatty dressings) can ruin things quick. i'm glad i closed the dressing. i'm going to put in the fridge upstairs so that i'll have something for salad next week, if i want it. man....35 more minutes...then freedom. i need to do some work and chop some logs before i go out into the world.

me sooo hungry

i think i'm going to eat my lunch right now....my stomach is needing food. blargh. i guess i'll eat my snacks for lunch. i had a burger yesterday at lunch. it was good and it wasn't. the salt was good....okay it was good. it better be good for 690 calories...crazy.
i don't know why i'm craving all this bad food but it needs to stop.

i totes forgot but tomorrow i'm going to check out the river race w/chad. how fun. maybe we can have some early morning beers and some razzle...or just some lunch and chilling...who knows....bye

TGIMTF. the post of "Y'ALLS"

thank goodness it's mother truckin' friday

y'alls...

i feel crazy urges...like wanting to do things. after work i'm going to watch a movie called The Glass House about women in Tehran...looks excellent. i know i'm going to cry...then it's off to therapy from 6-7pm...then i want to go to the Blackbird Buvette. so i talked to some dude on okcupid a while ago and he said he'd be djing that night...so mayhaps i'll stop by and have a beer or two and ch-check it out. some days are better than others. i slept wonderfully last night and was only two minutes late today. and flo is leaving town...22-25 more glorious days of freedom. tmi time y'alls. and i just got paid....man, money really does the trick of pepping me up. knowing i'm not broke for a few weeks...what a relief. time to buy plane tickets y'all.

MOTHER TRUCKIN TRUCKS AND STUFF

So things are picking up slightly today. We got a fab job to work on...yay, and i've spent a bit of time looking for an old file. Of course i didn't find it because the person who worked here before me didn't believe in being organized. Filing for that person meant stuffing papers into boxes. I know i should organize it all but just thinking of that task makes me not want to do it. I need to break it up into smaller parts. Hi, i'm rachel, welcome to my world. It's full of papers. super annoying. anywhozle...don't know what i'm doing for lunch today. I'd like to just get some subway and chill at the park. I should go walking because i pretty much stopped doing that but i really just want an Italian BMT....mmmm...salami. Maybe i shouldn't be about subway salami but i'll take it where i can get it....

speaking of getting it. i'm going to go crazy from sexual frustration. sometimes i just want to rape the new guy but i can't. i dont' think he'd go for it cuz then he'd want to be in a relationship and i don't want to. it may seem shallow but i'm not attracted to him. i kinda wish i was cuz he's a good person, but i aint.

man this Jitterbug Perfume book is really good. I think i'll try to read all of Tom Robbins now. This is my second book about aromatics...the first being Perfume by Patrick Suskind. i love smelling. it is the best. certain smells can be like time machines...they'll take you back, but you can't change anything. bus pollutants remind me of Guadalajara. Certain detergents remind me of hand washing clothes in mexico...posole or menudo reminds me of mexico. old books...well old things in general remind me of my old old neighbors and all of their knick-knacks. how fun...scent memories.

anywho, time to get back to work...now that i have it.

peace out suckers...(i'm the only sucker)

ps. i just remembered this but yes, yesterday on my way back to work, i happened to make a left turn onto Coal, and who do i happen to be driving behind? If you guessed Reggae-Man you are correct. That's like the 4th or 5th time seeing him. On the 10th time i should stop him and tell him to collect his free sandwich..or something like that.

Feelings nothing more than feelings

so this roller coaster ride that is my period is wreacking havoc yet again. this morning was crazy. i was late to work. i wanted to kill all the drivers on the road and other things as well but hey at least i don't have killer cramps.

at least it's wednesday. two more days then the weekend. life does fly by fast. i have to work on all these things like finishing some drawings and fatty's b-day card.

i have to book my flight for the wedding in september. i still dont' know how many days i want to take off but for sure i should take a few off so that i can visit both dario and joseph. i can't wait to be back in california. the beach, the food, the people...the craziness. life goes on. i played my small role in california.

work seems to be picking up just a bit but we still need a fab job. anywhozle...the end. i ate some cantaloupe that may be making my stomach feel funny. it could be smelling this bath and body works lotion. i don't really like their stuff. it's all scent. i need to tell my sister to never buy me lotions again unless it's like gold bond or burt's bees.

argh

my eyes burn, i have cramps and my hair is a mess. three day weekend was not long enough. yesterday i was riding high on my painkillers...it was sooo nice. took naps. couldn't sleep too well. kept waking up swearing i heard things. had to make sure doors were locked. woke up at 4am...fucking cramps.

i want to nap....

Is there a (dick) Doctor in the house?

harh harh harh...
notice the deep breathing at the end.

My Little Peppola!

her future as a dog-model is uncertain. she looks terrified. she shuts down when anything is put around her neck.


check out that cute dog sporting an awesome necklace.

it's raining it's pouring

the old man is snoring...

My first Peter Paul and Mary album had this song on it ("It's Raining"). A children's song. It's beautiful. I'm at work now

BASIC NECESSITIES
water
food
shelter
love
awareness

as i was leaving the gas station i saw a mother and child walking away from the station towards the main road. it's raining right now. they were wearing flip-flops. their attire looked a bit disheveled. i thought of baby Toribio. one witness said she saw him trailing his mom by a great length. his mom was walking ahead, leaving him behind. i thought of this because the little girl was following the older woman.

i really really really want to be around my nephew right now. i love playing with that boy. we were playing with an empy tin from a small candle and a small ball made of cork. he is sitting on my mom's bed and i'm next to it, leaning on it. i put the ball in the tin and balance it on my head. then i'd let it fall and act really surprised. my nephew liked this game. then he held the tin and i tried to throw the ball so that it landed in. we had so much fun with nothing. this boy doesn't need toys, he needs people to play with him...people to really engage him and be there. i love when i get home and he's there. Yarn-Ball is another game we invented. basically i have a small ball of yarn...i then ask him, "ready?" he says, "yes," and gets into position to catch, a few feet away from me. next i throw the yarn ball at him. if he doesn't catch it, there's a mad scramble to see who will get the yarn-ball. i never let go of the loose yarn end, so i try to reel it in before he gets it. then i spend 2 minutes winding it back up. i should write a book on entertaining childrens on the cheap. ooh ooh then there's the box sled. all you need is a box large enough for the child to sit in comfortably and a sturdy belt. you secure the top flaps away and punch a hole in one side of the box and loop the belt through. the child gets in and you pull him around the house. this game is awesome for the child but tiring for the one pulling. three times around the living room then i'm done.

that was fun. all that rambling. i'm getting emotional and it's right on time. as my weapon of mass destruction chart shows, the time is fast approaching for the monthly bleed. it's time for pms as well.

i am not a morning person when there are other people in the house. my mom woke up early and asked if i needed help with anything. i said yes and she started helping me with my food. of course something or other leads me to say some bitchy thing, or have some sort of attitude. then my mom asks me why i do that. why am i mean to her. the answers may be that i'm not a morning person and i'm a kitchen nazi. i like having my fruits and veggies "chopped" or "diced" a certain way. that's just the way it goes. if ever there came a day when this changed, i would be happy.

lets see...what else. oh yes, work is slow. the hours will be cut. fuck you economy.

fuck cheney

it's like the car crash you can't look away from.
you know there is death and destruction and blood
but you can't look away.
maybe you look away, knowing this
death and destruction is there...
will always be there.
but is that enough?

To either direct or avert our eyes.
are these the only options open for us?

i'm thinking about death, destruction
and rebuilding.
do we need to go through the fire to come out clean?
are we constantly being tested
but somehow we're not aware?
when the heat is set on high
we begin to sense it, feel it...


(post title unrelated to random babbling)

Tyrus Toribio

This is the name of the little boy who was found buried in Alvarado Park. They finally found his mother who killed him. twice. smothered twice. i can't understand this. i just think of my nephew and how beautiful he is and i don't see how a mother could kill her child. it's heartbreaking. so here i am at work crying.
To think this little boy only had his mother and she didn't do right by him. I don't have to see his picture anymore. His face is burned into my memory.

So i guess there ARE certain types of people who shouldn't have children. I'm going to base it on a mixture of mental health and socio-economic standing. Tiffany Toribio should not have had a child. Of course i don't know her story and it's always easier said than done. I mean how many kids are planned? But still.....

XOXO

a beacon in the dark is Gossip Girl. i'm like mad-stressin' about money and my future at this job, any job. will there be a job? will we survive this recession? are we in a depression yet? probs. times like these i wish i wasn't a fuck-up. i wish i was smart about college and took care of business. i want the mad money...only sometimes, like when i'm extremely broke...

to be continued...

oh wait..yes, this was going to be about how i have the next season of Gossip Girl to look forward to...

Chuck and Blair y'alls...they're in love.

whirlwind weekend

friday: therapy 5-6pm. made progress.
6:40pm-walked with Marie
9ish...hung out with chad
-we are officially "friends". i thought it'd be weird but he took it well. so well in fact makes me question how much he liked me...anywhozle.
12am ish...home

saturday: sleep in to 10ish...lounge around all lazy like. parents are at the swap meet. head over to bro's house. he fixes the headlight, puts air in tires and scolds me for how dirty the car is. next, auto zone, then car wash.
5pm mass with parents....left house at 7:30pm...head to marble brewery. drink alone for about an hour then meet up with new guy and his friends.
we proceed to get kinda drizunk. his friends are hot hot hot...mmm, nature men. anywho, i drank too much. we move my car to new guys place and head to some other friends house to razzle w/chronic. things started spinning. finally leave...fall asleep on new guy's recliner. wake up at 4:58am...go home. sneak in. try not to wake my dad who's sleeping in the living room.

i wake up at 12...parents are gone. i pretty much stay in my room all day and try to clean. when i go out i hear my mom talking about me to my sister. good for them. they can talk all they want but she doesn't live here and i'm young i need a life. so yeah, i was pretty much in a not happy mood all day and my mom looks like she's going to have a fuckin' anxiety attack. she really needs to go to therapy. ha. the whole fam comes over and eats Caldo de Pollo. i get ready for work...the end.

drinking changes things. like wanting to sleep all day. i'd do that today but i need to do things like exercise and watch Gossip Girl, umkay? umkay.

my dad left this morning. i didn't hug him goodbye. i kind of feel bad. i mean he was here and i could've tried to bond, but sometimes i think it's too late, even though it's not. he's just so annoying. that's prob how i am. whatev...hope he makes it back to cali safely. hope my mom is okay.

new fave show

Head Case



and it's on netflix...holler!

fuck

i am broke. so broke i owe the mothertrucking bank money. so when i get paid tomorrow it is all going away. there are bills to pay. i hate not having money. th end. that's been stressing me out. it's making me want to eat some chocolate. good thing i can't afford it.

i will seriously have like 40 bucks for two weeks. and that's only if i do nothing, buy nothing...nothing. i guess i can focus on other things like staying at home for fun.

hmmm

i'm enjoying some Band of Horses right now. the new guy burned them for me.


this is my favorite song so far...Marry Song

it's so nice. we hung out last night. lots of talk. we drank some beer. razzled. more talk. i had to leave because my mom called me because my dad was pissed, or course. i wish i could tell them, "hey i'm 26, get off my nuts." i have to move out first, but that means i have to save...i have to budget.

when i left, new guy was getting up to walk me to my car..he goes for the hug, probs a kiss and i tell him, "can we take it slow?" then he sits down and i walk to my car. i don't think he liked that but i can't lie to myself. i like him and will try to do the friends thing and encourage him to find some other girl for romance...but i know when that happens we'll no longer be friends. for now i'd like to be friends. i can't make myself like him. he doesn't do the right things for me. his style, his way, whatev is not compatible with me. so yeah...my dad leaves on monday. next week is book club..woo hoo. i'm almost done and yes it got better. i wonder if new guy will still burn me all that music? i hope so...i need to think of more friendsy things to do...like maybe as a friend i can try to help his kitchen...he is not prepared.

or a hike? i think the fact that he's so big and so sedentary is a turn off. i guess if i had an indication that he was trying to get healthier (aka: lose weight) i'd feel better about the whole thing.

these are my jams today

band of horses
my morning jacket
explosions in the sky
the shins
rilo kiley
dcfc
iron and wine

thanks pandora...now i'm really wanting to go to the record store and pick up some of these, in particular Band of Horses and My Morning Jacket. I love the dreamy aspect of this music. It's like music for a hot windy day...what do you know? it's a hot windy day. i need to get speakers going in my room so that i'll be able to move the record player to my room from time to time.

i wanted to listen to music while i cleaned my room the other day and had to pop in a cd in the dvd player. laptop, now i miss you. it's okay though...it's just stuff. everthing is just stuff so lets not get too crazy.

i was reading through mollshewrote today and she had reblogged about how, "if some guy hasn't ruined Radiohead for you, you haven't been in love." this reminded me of Y.C. He was big into RH. and i do believe at some points i felt in love with him. when does the beating of my heart, the rise and fall of my chest, the wistful sigh...when does it turn into love?

i'm broke

and it aint no fucking joke....why...why can't i manage my money. why do i just spend and spend. this reminds me of the college days, but unlike the college days, i get paid this friday. after i get paid i get to give my money away for the bills that've been there...oops. okay, no more going out and spending like crazy. i have 50 dollars. that is sad. after lunch i'll have about 35 dollars. the end.

i'm going to not let my broke-ass-edness ruin lunch. new boy needs to step up the plate, umkay. i need someone with plans, someone assertive. like okay, i'm getting lunch today...does this mean he'll put out...of course not. am i being dicked around with? no...there is no dick. man...okay i need to stop before i get really dark-sided. time to laugh it off and listen to Sarah Vaughan sing Bewitched...

CALGON TAKE ME AWAY

time to protest

Mr. Show - Protesters - watch more funny videos

bossa nova....

ella

how can i not love music?

i need to get paid so i can buy this

Mr. Show pretty much rules.

IDS

Larry Learns Guitar - watch more funny videos

i have a major boner for David Cross...

Modern Rod McKuen?

at 4:34 he actually sings a bit from a song Rod McKuen also sang (McKuen translated it). Seasons in the Sun...from Le Moribund by Jacques Brel...



here's another one by kareoke man

perfect break-up song

Lover Man

i love her voice...i love this music

NO NO NO

that is me fighting the urge to buy cigs at lunch time. i won't do it. i've already relapsed too many times with them and i know i'll smoke more of them, i just don't want to buy them. i'd like to not want to smoke them ever again. i'll let you know how that goes.

so mother's day 2k9 was the bomb. there was the usual hasstle of trying to get the mexican males to help with the prep. my dad is such a comadre. he's such a talker. when he wants something it has to be then and there, drop what you're doing, but god forbid he do something that is asked of him. if he ever does do something it's only after 3 hours and much pleading...maybe some yelling. anywho, the food was the bomb. my jamaican jerk chicken kabobs were off the chain. there were beans, rice, nopales, salad, corn, carne asada, pollo asado, panela...too much good stuff. i'm actually eating beans for lunch today.

so i went out saturday night and there were no questions on behalf of the parents. i want to go out again today but i'm not too sure how it will go. but then again, this is my life and it needs to be lived....

so back to the business with the boy. he wants a relationship but i told him i'm not ready for that. we'll see how i feel about it later, but basically we might have to be friends because he's done putting out...the other day he wouldn't kiss me because he said kissing meant something to him. so basically he's making me work for it. this is new. my first thoughts when hearing this was, "Challenge!" I really do think like a dude...the conquest is funner, right? so yes i don't know where that is right now, but it's not a bad place.

yesterday my dad wanted me to show him cock-fight videos on youtube. this made me frustrated because how the hell is he going to learn the internet in five minutes. i had to get ready for work. well, actually i could've stayed in the living room chilling, but it's not as fun when there's other people in the house. i really do love my space. i find some videos for him and i'm trying to explain how it works and he keeps complaining about the video quality...anywho, that made me want to sneak out and razzle. i did. i needed more.

okay the end...time to get back to work.

too much good stuff. pt.2

i'm totes lounging at work. i've got pandora on diana krall. this is some good stuff. it's making me sentimental. i'm going over old myspace messages. lame, i know but it's fascinating to see how quickly things change. how words lose their meaning. how quickly people jump off the bridge. anywho, maybe i should change it but it's too good.

i'm craving a genres mixed cd, or rather mixed-genres cd

metal
folk
indie
lofi
electronic
rock
country
anti-folk
noise
blip bloop
classical
rancheras

on the way to the coffee shop today i was really wanting to pull over and buy cigs but i didn't and now for some reason here i am all over again really craving one. i think it's that before i always had some in the drawer at home, but now i know there aren't any at all. don't know what to do. i probs shouldn't smoke...this way i can call today my new quit day. 050709...consecutive odds.

we'll see how i'm feeling later.

ja ja ja....no manches guey

i could do this shit...for realz...i can.



this will forever make me laugh...
and so will this....

too much good stuff

i'm feeling good. i just rsvp'ed for this month's book club meeting. i've been here almost two years and i'm just now going to a club meeting. baby steps. progress.

oh how i love drinking iced-tea. so refreshing. so icy cold. today the heat began. fatty wanted hot, she should've stayed today. i'm burning up out there.

my bro's fam is back and i'm happy i get to see them today. well that's the plan, but i need to clean first. i wonder if my nephew still remember me? well, i'm sure he does but i wonder what's new in his little baby world. does he still want to play with me? i hope so, because that kid is a cute little mother trucker.

blargh...i have work to do so i guess i should get to it. i'm going to start mapping the locations in this city that i've 'met' people. there'll be a few dots on there. how fun. i can do a precedent study of sorts, but with my life. i may miss school.

i miss scrabble. i need scrabble. scrabbleicious...that's like 87points yo.

awesome

so my time w/fatty has come to an end. she's in a plane right now heading to san fran, only to head back down to ontario, then proceed to seattle. what a pain. anywhozle, her visit was pretty much off the chain.

i cannot go back to Atomic Cantina for a while.

hot springs
tent rocks
sandia peak tram
mexican food market
scrabble
razzle
dranking

good times

my family returns this week. i want to sleep after work but i have to yet again jump right back into cleaning. those weeds aint going to pull themselves.

i want a range life

so i could settle down
i want to settle down....


w/coffee shop guy. finally one of my friends has seen him. what did she think of him? not her type (good), he looks greasy (good), he looks like my type (even more good). i wonder if i'll ever say anything of meaning to him?

good times...

tgif y'alls

i remember when on friday nights i would actually be watching the TGIF shows. anywhozle, my house is now 90% done. i've managed to make another list of 10 more things i need to get done today before 10:30pm...so that's 4 hours after therapy. it can get done. my body is tired. i got out of bed at 6:15am today.

since i busted ass yesterday to bill everything for the end of the month i shall now go back to semi-chill mode. it is now time to watch Bridget Jones' Diary. thank you netflix for having it on watchnow...i love this movie. the end.