i am terrified

i fear for my mother's health. the more i read, the more i think there is a good chance she could have diabetes. if this is true, i will be very upset/sad but i know that feeling that way will not accomplish anything. i'm going to keep insisting that she go to the doctor's office. this can be frustrating as well seeing that she has gone in the past and they haven't really helped. i think this has to do with her insurance, it's always the fucking insurance. if i was younger again i'd make my parents tell me, "we want you to succeed because living poor in America will kill you. You need money for the basics, like healthcare. you need a good insurance policy for any medical professional to take you seriously. they need their money."
anywho, i'm going to keep researchin diabetes, but i need my mom to go see the doctor. tests need to be taken. the thing that bothers her the most is when her legs fall alseep/feel numb...and her lower back. the leg numbness could be related to a diabetic neuropathy...or something like that. i just want to know so that we can see what we need to do. NEED to do. This is the thing, I don't want my mom to believe that she can't do anything to change her situation. We need a plan and i need to make sure she follows through. I don't want my mom to die just because she doesn't believe in herself.
this is the biggest obstacle in our relationship. i want a strong mother figure. i need someone to take control. but when problems come up, she seems helpless...almost like she's giving in. it's so frustrating. we'll see what happens.

Friday Fun Times

the week is over. yay.
i must forget at least one thing at home every morning. today i forgot to grab a spoon, so now i'm trying to eat my cereal with a fork. how fun. not really. whatev, i'm just glad it's friday. if my razzle comes through it will be all good. i'm going to see the fractal show today. that should be awesome as long as i don't experience anxiety from being around people.

so i gained .8 lbs this week. i hope that i start losing again but that's it. no more thinking about it. my coworker asked if i was losing weight yesterday. that's cool.

Yes, but still

So i live in the dessert now and i guess i used to live in the dessert in CA as well, technically, it's all dessert...but anywho, i'm overwhelmed with the desire to be in the wild...camping or something. i wish i could start taking road trips to small places and exploring. i wish i could drive somewhere and not have to return. but you always have to return...fuckin' work.

this needs to stop

I was late to work yet again. I drifted to sleep around 9:30ish pm in my jeans and all and woke up at 1am. I got up and made my lunch and breakfast for today, I picked my clothes (i'm wearing a sweats-sweater thingy...never thought i'd live to see this day) and i jumped in the shower. This was all good. What i shoudn't have done was razzle then watch Poker at Night, PBS and some infomercial. For reals. I go back to sleep at 3:48 am. Maybe i shouldn't be so surprised that i was late...
whatev.
so i weigh myself when i wake up in the middle of the morning. the number went up. why? whyyyyy? i'm not going to get discouraged because i know i've been eating relatively well and i've begun to do some exercise. Hopefully next week the number will have gone down. we'll see....
anywhozle, today is swimming w/the tots day again. That should be fun. I tried to get my stuff ready so i wouldn't have to go home...but i forgot my contact lenses...so i either go at lunch or just end up going home afterwards anyway, defeating the purpose of trying to get ready ahead.

i think i was having some wild and crazy dreams last night...but i dont' remember. I finished watching Park Chan Wook's Trilogy series. They were really good. Very very good and disturbing. Oldboy, Sympathy for Mr.Vengeance, Lady Vengeance. Next on my cue i have some american movies about working and how tedious it is...and a movie about youngun's entering the real world, and how tedious that it....preach it.

restroom time

ARGH

sometimes i really really dislike my brother. sometimes i just want to beat him. he makes himself a completely useless person when it comes to his children. he can play the stupid-ass motherfucking xbox, but he can't watch his daughter for like 40 minutes so that i can go for a walk w/his wife. i don't like going over there. i feel bad for my sister-in-law....i feel bad for all of them. i can't wait for those kids to grow up so they can leave that place. it just seems like such a waste. hi, hello, you're just like our father. SPEND TIME WITH YOUR CHILDREN. i really don't think it's a good thing to blast the volume on the tv when your playing shooting video games...these are baby ears. we are adults. they will be deaf. it's just so sad and i want to avoid it like the plague. i don't think i can ever be close with my brother for these reasons. the end.

the males in my family ruin it for me. they make me not want to get married. ever. fuck that and fuck you...you push children out of your body then let me ignore you while you do all the work.

i'm working on these isses in therapy. what should happen is that i shouldn't be bothered by it because it's their family, their choices, everyone chooses what they want to do and put up with...so que sera sera. i just can't ever go over there.

my worlde

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idol...

so i watched American idol last night...and i found myself really liking a few ppl. i like this dude's, Nathaniel Marshall, attitude...i just like him. i really liked this performance...it was funny/good.


next up we have Ju'not Joyner...i was like really digging this...


when i saw Jorge Nunez, i really wanted to vote for him because he's Latino. but then i tried calling afterwards and it was busy, so that was that...we'll just have to wait and see who makes it through...i didn't really think the blind dude was that awesome. the judges were just lavishing praises on him...they expect him to be a shoe-in.

i also really enjoyed this lady's song. Kendal Beard
it is wholesome...and i like the country


Ariana Afsar-she was all over the place but i liked it.


WTF...I'm trying to post this thing. tell me why are ppl asking me to do stuff...why are ppl walking in asking questions. i need uninterupted blogging time yo. there are two white guys in here now. one of them looked cute but i'm not going to look again. je suis le shy...and je ne suis pas dressed as i should be and my hair is not cute today...umkay...

raspberries

it was only until i purchased some rasPberries this past week, that i discovered their spelling. For reals, there is a "P" in there? Yes, the answer is yes. This changes everything. All this time i was thinking they were rasberries, or maybe even something with a 'z'. but no, je suis wrong.
anywho, i had some w/cereal for b-fast this morning and as i examined one of the berries (i turned it inside out to examine the structure), i was reminded of Hasan Fathy's domed structures in Egypt. Is this a sign i miss architecture, or just a sign i miss thinking? i'm going for the second one. i guess i miss talking to ppl about intellectual pursuits. i mean i don't like the idea of being in a conversation where i don't know what to contribute because i feel inadequately prepared on the subject. But i guess i can talk about some subjects for more than a few minutes. yes, i miss the smart-ish talk.

human interactions...amazing. where did they go? i guess moving to a completely new place can do that. i need to get over it.

i was 17 minutes late to work today. i woke up at 6:38am. my body is sore. i did the swimming with the kids yesterday. it was really a blast. my nephew is sooo adorable. pinche mama's boy, gotta love him. anywho, there was that, then later at home i did a Biggest Loser weight training workout. i was actually squeezing my muscles. i think i was doing it correctly becuase i can feel it today. okay, the end. i have work to do. i just want to sleep. i want to be snuggly in bed, falling asleep to a movie. well it's hump-day so the weekend is not that far.

today is my mother's birthday. she and my dad are in vegas visiting my sister. they are looking at houses. my sister is going to buy a house. that's cool. i guess that means she'll never move to NM. oh wells....

one month...then my birthday.

no doubt will be playing a show here at one of the casinos soon. the tickets go on sale this saturday. i was actually considering buying a ticket. it's no doubt man...not gwen solo..i don't like that stuff, but no doubt is diff....i wish someone would befriend me so we could go. fuck it, i live in new mexico...does it even matter now that i want to see them. i feel like i can get away with things here.....like being stalker-ish. the end.

great...

THIS IS THE JAM