it's on mofos....

the music. that's what's on. my bro came over and brought the stereo in from the garage and he hooked up my record player. i am sooooo happy...i now have loud record music. oh the volume...i love it. maybe my neighbors will like it as well? we'll see.

now i can seriously organize my records and know that i can listen to each and every one. uh-oh, this also means i can go buy more records now...yay. tomorrow shall be my go to record store day...or it could be today. who knows. i'll see how i feel. i've got some cleaning to do, not too much, some laundry...then i have to get cracking on creative endeavors...who needs friends when you have a butt-load of crafts products?

"BLOOD FOREVER"

On my lunch break today i had to get some stuff done. I went to the post-office to mail my sister the camera I've not been mailing for like a week, then i headed to the bank to get some scrilla to pay my therapist. I'm thinking of changing my day. i used to like it on Friday because then i felt like i was doing something, but right now I'd rather just go home....any who, i parked my car at a meter and walked to the bank. right before the cross-walk, someone had tagged "Blood Forever" on a parking ticket dispenser thingy. i told myself i'd get a photo of it on the way back, but of course i forgot. i am soo in the moment that i'm enjoying the new things so much i forget about the past...no, i think it was the razzle-dazzle. anywho, it was really funny. i can just imagine some little kid scrawling this on there w/his or her black sharpie. hey kid, gangs aren't cool. read a book. please.

the walk was really nice. i really get a kick out of walking around downtown during the day.

I'm listening to the Lola Beltran station on Pandora.com and it's really making me want to sing real loud and drank some beers and lament the woes of love. if i don't eat anything else besides what I've planned, i think i can fit 3 miller lites into today's caloric budget. imma get my miller lite drank on.

this is nice....it's Friday...35 more minutes until the weekend begins. in 37 minutes I'm going to be on the freeway. i love the drive to the therapist's. i didn't in the beginning but it's growing on me. i think it's the knowing that i don't really have anything to do. sure i have therapy, but i'm not rushing off to go home, or go out...i guess i like the 'no rush' feeling of my drive.

anywho...time to finish up my work, or not.

"Great Reasons to be a CO-OP Member"

on my last trip to the local co-op, the cashier gave me a flyer w/info. on why i should become a member. there were some very good points, but they missed the most important one. Become a member and enjoy the eye-candy we provide. Somehow 90% of our male workers are yummy. Please come in buy some fruits, whatev, stare at the workers...okay. i'm actually considering it. this is true...15 bucks a year, i get some discounts, and i get more reasons to go to this store and check out the dudes. OMG...i went this past weekend and the dude who rang me up was, uh-huh oh yeah-that's what i'm talkin' about- hippie-cute, and after staring him up and down i look at his nametag....Matthew. i def need to go back and talk to this boy some more about whatever.

going to the grocery store is always a trip. i'd have to say it's one of my fave activities. there's nothing better than going and seeing some hot-ass-dudes in the produce section. yes, please examine the melons. check for ripeness. i can never look at bananas the same way ever. this is what happens when you're very horny....you think about bananas, you think about dudes...you think about dudes and their bananas.

i love it when i feel like i'm going to go crazy. it makes me feel alive...frustrated, but alive.

new music...to me

Old man....i like how this song really matches my naming system. it's like hey mail-man, coffee shop guy...young dude...Old man. So on my drive to work i was thinking about age. What brought this on is my pending 26th b-day. I dont' feel 25, i don't feel old. I just feel like i've seen some crazy shit. I think i'll grow up and never feel as old as my body. That's what scares me. To be old and still have your young mind. To be viewed as crazy...i'm not crazy, you're crazy...ha, no. Lots of ppl are crazy because of their chosen way of life...what's worse is that most ppl don't know. We don't have to be just consumers....okay the end...listen to this old man jazzz.



Heart of Gold...i think i may have heard this before. I really like this. I don't know why i never ever before looked up Neil Young. I'm a little slow, but i'm glad i found him. Now I can buy some of his records. I really dig this vibe and the harmonica. It's such a lovely instrument.

dollar dollar bill y'all

This is how i feel. I need to brush my shoulders off. P.B.O. has a lot of dirt on his shoulders. Someone can pick up all that dirt and start a playground for some childrens.

i love B.O.

Split-Pea Soup is off the chain

and it has like 12 grams of fiber per serving. crazy, right? i tried my hand at it last night and i'm glad i did. it is sooooo yummy. soup=the bomb.

i am so glad it's friday. it is too early for this work-fuckery. fur realz....everything is going great then i get here. blah. oooh, on the way to work this morning i saw some guy in a blue car...when we stopped at a red light i looked over, because i always look at everyone, i'm a lookie-lou, anywho, yes, he looked over as well and he starts saying something. our windows are up so i have no clue, but he keeps looking over and i can only imagine what he said. if i had my way i'd make it some sort of dirty-talk. that's a good way to start the morning. then he made a right and i made a left and that was that. the other day i was checking out some dude in a garbage truck and he saw. i really am an equal opportunity looker. hey, you're driving a dump truck, cool you have a job, but are you cute?

i totally forgot to grab some toast...i need more carbs man. more bread. i miss cookies.
the end. i have all this work to do but i have to eat my breakfast first.
b-fast:
1/2 cup FF yogurt
1/2 cup 2% cottage cheese
1/2 banana
1/2 apple
1/8 cup raising
1/2 tbsp of sliced almonds

next time i'm only making half. i'm already kind of not hungry. it could be the Spinach and Apple drink that i had...that i have every morning. gotta keep things flowing you know?

man, i still need to work on mom's package. i am such a lazy bum. i have to do it tonight.

i need a new receiver. i miss playing records. the end.

***mmm, coffee shop guy, mmm. it's always good to start your day w/good thoughts***

i am looking forward to

cooking, cooking and more cooking of course. this weekend is going to be packed with cooking. at home i have some chard, collard greens, corn, split green peas and some other good stuff. i'm thinking about making a variety of soups. mos def some sort of turkey, collard green and lentil soup, then some corn soup, and some split pea soup with shitake mushrooms....oh the posibilities.

i also need to get cracking on my mom's gift. i need to have it done by saturday morning to send it out that day. i can do it.

blargh...my stomach is saying 'FEED ME SOME PROTEIN." and i'm like, "hey calm down. i understand where you're coming from...but it aint lunch time yet...oh wait, no it is"

Ho-Bang me down the highway

so everytime i hear this song, "I Got A Name" by Jim Croce, i hear those words...

ho-bang me down the highway...but of course this is incorrect.

"Moving me down the highway, rolling me down the highway Moving ahead so life won't pass me by."

awww...i see, 'moving' me down the blah blah...moving is what it says. Ho-Bang is funner though...i'm going to stick to ho-bang.

i need meat.

it's getting hotter

i sat in my car listening to the misfits w/the windows rolled down, at lunch today. oh that gentle breeze, how it did flow over me. i love this weather. it is the perfect drive-with-the-windows-down weather, not that i don't ride w/them down anyway. now all i'm missing is the ocean.
i was thinking about the water yesterday, really thinking about why i like it. it comes down to size. ha...no really. standing on the beach at the water's edge, nothing but ocean ahead of you. add in some wave sounds, some crazy birds, hopefully not too many ppl sounds, and you're set. i miss getting lost in the noise and what seemed like the infinite plane of water. the vastness of it all, the mystery, the pounding of the waved...the power. wow..okay, where was i going with that? although i no longer have the ocean, i do now have some pretty awesome sky. i'll take it. on my drive home i wish i was in the passenger seat so that i could rest my head on the door and look up at the clouds and feel the air lashing my face.

i spent some time drawing some random person in my new sketchbook. it's been so long since i've done anything. it felt nice.

i feel like playing with my dogs...both of them. my poor little Guero needs more attention from me. i am a bad pet-taker-carer-of.

the end. 44 more minutes and i'm home free. until 6 that is when i have to go to church for the ahses that will remind me that i came from dust and to dust i shall return. i probs need to be reminded of this more than once a year.

taking care of business....

so yesterday was my 'taking care of business day.' i had to go to sear's to return some stuff and i ended up going to barnes and noble as well. i'm glad i did. i picked up some magazines HI-FRUCTOSE, The Big Take-Over and Nylon ( i couldn't resist). Anywho, i'm going through hi-fructose, enjoying all this awesome art, so i check out some of the artists online, which leads to more clicking, more seeing. i love it all. i love looking at art and seeing what ppl are doing. it reminds me of awesome ppl and it reminds me that to be creative and make, you just have to do it.

i have to pee...quelle surprise.

today is ash wednesday. how quickly the time passes.

i need to get cracking on my mom's b-day gift...it's right around the corner....
i am going to send her a birthday package w/
1. chimes i made
2. cookies i baked
3. a card
4. possibly some tea
5. spending monies...for my dad to take her out to eat?
6. framed pictures of grandkids...for my dad as well

man i need to get cracking on this package.
i think i'll work on the card now, since that i can do.

"some people are quite allright, i'm bored by all the rest."
-Springtime Fall by Dear Nora

lunch-time smells

in the beginning i was ragging on some artists that are on this mix cd i have...but now i'm liking them.

i was enjoying my drive home so much. on the way home for lunch today the air reminded me of the ocean for some reason. it smelled like water, water in the air and it felt cool as well, which was a good contrast to the warm sun. summer is approaching and i'm already getting excited. anywho, back to my smells...i drove behind this truck that was probs carrying manure, so i smelled that as well. it was nice...it reminded me of california. on the way back to work i smelled 'pool water' in the air. it was strange, it was like if i was at the pool and that chlorine water smell was wafting the in air. so many good smells out there today.

i especially enjoy the stretch of drive over the river. sometimes i forget that there is river there...not like the los angeles river (this one actually has water).

anywhozle....overall good times at lunch. i went to the bank and saw two PoPos just sitting in their cars facing each other and next to each other, just talking...like they couldn't park in legal spaces and get out to talk...nope, they're going to be in the middle of the parking lot, just talking. i love the popo....dream job.

on a side note: naynay's balls just dropped. i heard them. they went, "plop plop."

gently drifting off to sleep

that's how it was last night...it was so nice. i felt myself sinking into sleep. i woke up at one point during the night. i was sweating. my red sweater/sleep thing was too much. I also remember sort of waking up and playing with peppers...weird.

i am still in my funk. i blame my womanly cycle. i shouldn't though. i should try to not be so blah.
i am hungry...i don't know for what though. some biscuits and gravy? some pizza? yeah, that's not going to happen.

okay...back to work.

WHO-RAW...the day, it is ending.

a little over an hour left in this work day. i survived. kudos to me.

for surviving i will reward myself w/a miller lite. is this stuff any good?

oooh, i just remembered. last weekend i went for a walk with my sister-in-law and the kids.
as we were entering her housing area, through the car gate thingy, a car was coming out.
this dude/man had a beautiful beard..and he waved. i didn't wave back. i wasn't prepared.
i missed a perfectly good beard-opportunity...beard-man come back. i wonder if he lives there? and that's how it starts.

that little story just cheered me up...mmm, beards.

can i spend the next 55 minutes thinking about beard-mens? lets find out.

weekend update

the 28th day, exactly. i am amazed. it's like science. maybe i should've looked at a calendar earlier so i wouldn't have been taken by storm. anywho, i woke up at 1:30 am for the express purpose of being in pain. i popped an oxycod and managed to go back to sleep. i think it worked because i was feeling good when i woke up, late, at 6:36 am. i did manage to be only 3 minutes late which i think is amazing because i usually always take 1 hour to get ready, regardless. now i'm glad that i decided to put my food together last night instead of waiting for this morning.

the day is odd. there are clouds in the sky. they are like a thin scattered blanket of gray. it's really quite beautiful.

i finally cleaned the gd kitchen.

i feel like i need more sleep.

oh my back

and neck are hurting. that will happen when you clean for 5.5 hours straight. two of my neighbors are having parties. i wish i knew them so i could party as well. seeing them makes me want to party. why do i always want to party?

i miss partying.

my house is now clean. i don't know what to do with myself.

BANG ON A...WHATEVER

JUST BANG

BANG ON A CAR
BANG ON A TREE
BANG ON A BUM
BANG ON COFFEESHOP-GUY

JUST BANG

modern meditation

Select All
Uncheck a few
Delete

Goodbye Forevor

...cleaning up my mailbox is like meditating. i can relax and take my time, i do have 1500 messages to go through afterall. it's nice though. makes me feel like i'm decluttering my virtual crap repository. makes me feel a little more organized.

i love procrastinating. yes i do have work. no, i don't feel like doing it right now.

BWAH HA HA....I MAKE A POOPIE

i guess what i love the most about blogging is that i can combine my passion for rambling with my passion for poop. i used to ask people, "do you look at your poop before you flush?" most people would say no. of course not. "But why not?" i would ask. no reply. i guess people find poop disgusting. i find it fascinating. poop is like the body's art work. you put all this stuff in and then you get stuff out...you never know what will come out. i love surprises.

evening time happy hour...i want a beer

poster-boy.....he is cute and creative...and he don't give a fuck. this is my type of dude. i love dudes who have names with "-boy" or "-man"...hells yeah. lately i've been really into the beard-men. quelle surprise. no but really, this is some cool stuff. when i see other peoples' shit, i feel bad because i've been getting so lazy. i need to be making shit...it's so much fun. i'm thinking it will happen soon.

today upon arriving home i started to clean the kitchen. i also made some bomb-ass food. like for reals. it is rotini with seasoned (garlic, whole-grain mustard, pepper, pepper flakes, minced shitake, salt) turkey meatballs, asparagus, red peppers and shitake mushrooms.....yum...



i forgot about the mozzarella...

so my fave radio show is going away....

i love listening to Frosty Heidi and Frank, but they are ending their show. This is sad news. I listen to these mofos at work and while i dont' always agree (as it should be) these are some funny ass mofos. par example, aujourd'hui, Frosty was talking about returning to blogging, so heidi and frank start talking shit...then Heidi says, "Blogger, Please!!!"

blargh...i have to finish this later...
i have pressing matters to attend to.
i need to press some shit right now.

take your wings outside

i remember when i purchased my first Alkaline Trio cd. it was freshman year. i lived in fluor towers and across the street was/is the university village. at that time there was a music store that was going out of business, so i went and bought lots of random shit. i had previously purchased a comp. cd that had alkaline trio's My Friend Peter song. so i found their s/t cd at this music store. i took it back to the dorm, listened, and fell in love.

at the end of my sophmore year, when i was practically kicked out of cardinal gardens by my roommates, i moved into stardust. i remember in the beginning when i still didn't know anyone, there was one guy who played alkaline trio really loudly from his room. i of course fell in love...or rather, into a very deep like w/this boy. i eventually talked to him and asked him about them...yes, he liked alkaline trio he told me. but that was it. i can see now what a goober i must've looked like to him. he thought he was so cool, one of those types that calls themselves an asshole. i just so happened to be one of those girls who liked assholes.

we all ended up being friends and pretty much partying together all year...god we partied sooo much. there were so many times when we'd be drinking and he'd put on alkaline trio and it would be him and me singing our little hearts out. me singing with him in mind, while he sang w/another girl in mind. isn't it always that way? yes.

in conclusion...there were many many good times w/alkaline trio, friends and beer. there was misery too, but lets not remember that.

whack-a-doo, whack-a-doo

i wish i was proficient at spelling sounds. it's a silly-sound kind of morning. i think I'm enjoying myself too much. today for sure I'm going to exercise. yay...I'm excited because my weight is still steadily decreasing. i am pumped about working out and hopefully helping my body burn more calories...OK enough of that.

for b-fast i had red puffed wheat cereal w/raisins, chopped banana, cinnamon and soy milk. it was good. sort of like a cinnamon banana bread...okay that's a stretch, but i have to keep myself positive. i have so much yummy food to make....i love cooking.

wow, I'm extra a.d.d. this morning.
i once again listened to Op Ivy on my way to work.
i once again enjoyed it immensely.

now i'm thinking of the show Girlfriends. i miss that show. reminds me of fatty. i miss her too...but not for long. this is the year of people visiting me...hoorah.

NO DICK TODAY!!!

HA...so my boss it out sick today and my coworker came in my office to announce,"no Dick today." of course i had to make a joke about it. we were laughing for a hot minute. aww yes...this will tide me over for today. i will hear these words. how will i live, for there is no dick for me today? i'll find a way. i'll survive. i usually do.

on the drive to work this morning the clouds over the mountain were awesome. the sky here is like an ever-changing water color. i really want to take good pictures of it. i feel like i need to go do something naturey....the weather is not too bad. i haven't been to the peak yet...i wanted to go w/people, but tough times call for me to go alone.

anywho, the sign language vid i have is old but good...it has relevant phrases. i still need to find other sources to really learn the basics. i did the Biggest Loser Workout. it was good. i was lazy for the longest time but then i decided to do it. i'm glad i did. i am just having the most awesome morning...and will probs continue to do so, until the phone rings.

i listened to Operation Ivy on my drive to work. argh....i love them. they remind me of high school. those were good times. the poetry readings...the angst...the cute punk boy. anywho...i've already spilled something on my white sweater.

i keep thinking about coffee shop boy. of how much i would enjoy talking to him and his crooked teeth. the day will come, when i won't need to be shy. not yet though. once i build more confidence...then Bam. he won't know what hit him, in a good way.

okay time to do pipe labels.

i'm listening to diana krall's station on pandora...i hope the other artists are good. the end...have a most pleasant day.

lunch-time thoughts and sightings

how am i not myself? how am i not all the qualities, that in my mind, create the image of my perfect self? am i mature? do i have to be, in order to attract guys i'm attracted to? an indie/hipster-girl was chatting up coffee-boy/guy. as she was walking away i saw her blue tights, black flats (kind of ugly-grandma-ish), her choppy boy-cut, her over-sized black embroidered jacket. did it have fur @ the collar? maybe. anywho, i feel weird. a little Ghost World-ish. i observe all these ppl, but i don't know what for. I said fuck it to caring about certain things. like the guy-across-the-street-who-is-singing-as-he-walks. He don't give a fuck. these things always make me happy. i feel as if we are 90% repressed. As in, any outburst of emotion would be ill-received. any authentic expression is hard to bring out. sometimes i want to Outburst. BOOM......confetti everywhere. It's me.

noon already.

good news y'all...one more hour until i get to leave for lunch. i love having lunch at 1...then i get back and only 2 hours left in the day. today for lunch i am having roasted asparagus w/garlic, sauteed mushrooms and spinach, salmon w/dill and lemon pepper...and feta sprinkled on top...it looks soo good. the end. i love making the food.

U+ME=EMU

I LOVE MATHS....
i guess i'm feeling better. i just have to keep reminding myself to say YES to things that happen. if i say NO, i will create more problems for myself because i can't change the situation, so it's better to say yes. i can't fight life. life wins, hands down, no contest.

so i set a goal earlier in the month of being 10 lbs lighter by the end of february. i think i might of set the goal too high, but maybe not. i really have to work on not being a lazy bum. i will exercise today. in fact i should do it right when i get home so there are no excuses. if i work out there is a greater probability of me losing more weight. the end.

list time:

1. exercise
2. wash remaining dishes...i can do it
3. make tomorrow's food
4. anything after this is good.

i found a recipe for green pipian and i can't wait to try it. i've always wanted to make mole from scratch. the best mole i ever tasted was...was...i can't even describe it, pure heaven. it takes incredible skill to make mole from scratch. anywho, finding this recipe has reminded me that i am Mexican, duh, and that i really really want to know more about the food. Even though i can't eat all the deliciousness that is mexican food (what w/all the cheese, crema, tortillas, fried-goodness)i can certainly make it for others. the idea of knowing those things greatly excites me. i am easily entertained. so yes, there is that. i will make it once i get paid and i can buy all the ingredients.

i also need to watch my sign language dvd. that's another thing i want to learn and could learn....maybe i'll watch that tonight...oh wait, is tonight Gossip Girl? how whore-ible is that? i like watching GG. i think i'm developing a small boner for lance bass. the end. tv has fulfilled its purpose of mindless entertainment.

more later...

ps. floaters rule

monday is whack!!!!!!

monday is the new whack.

my bed is light and fluffy and waiting for me. i'm already looking forward to going home and sleeping. peppers is enjoying the bed right now...bastard.

anywho, here i am at work, wishing i was at home. i have loads of work and i don't wish to do any of it.

i started cleaning my house this weekend. i got most things 1/2 done. laundry...still have a load...dishes, still have a sinkful...putting shit away...haven't done it all. i need more weekend.

my mom is not coming back until may.
i may begin to miss her.

i wish i was in a better mood. i'm going to work on that.

I CAN HAZ CIGGY?

NO...the answer is no, even though i feel like it would help right about now. but maybe it wouldn't because i also feel as if i could eat a big juicy burger or lots of chocolate. basically, work is bringin' me down today and i'd like to put stuff in my mouth. it's horrible, but i'm trying to fight my cravings. the cigs are out, cuz i quit....the food, yeah, i don't have any junk food, so that's good.

anywhozle...good lord, it's been non-stop since i got here. oh hey, today's friday the 13th. i want to watch scary movies and razzle-dazzle. maybe have some beer. oh pipe dreams. i have to pee.

salmonella

i can't believe that little fucker and his contaminated peanuts. this is our country. homeboy can plead the fifth while his peanuts have killed 9 ppl so far. oh hells no. then the bailout dudes. hey, where's all that money going, where has it gone? why do we insist on giving these large financial institutions our money? i don't think they did a good job in the first place...but hey, here, take some more money. this is why i don't really enjoy watching the news because all i see is insanity. we as humans are insane. we are fighting each other for money, for power, for what?

everyone should read tolle...ha..no. just ppl who are interested should do so.

so i was watching the oprah yesterday and she had on some foolio who wrote a book about why men cheat, how men cheat etc. another depressing subject. i think cheating will prevent me from getting close to anyone. that is my biggest fear. that the man i marry will cheat on me. then i think should i stay or should i go. too much bullshit. anywho, the book is free for download today on Oprah's site until 7pm i think. i want to read this book.

what else is new....i got a new email, this time from someone saying they were at the party on sunday. so this dude says, "I'm not the man you are looking for, but I was at that same party. I was jealous that you were hitting on him, cuz he's an average joe like myself. I wish I could have gotten your name." in my mind, the dude i was hitting on was cute, and his beard was soft. anywhozers....this is a small effin' town yo. i might like it here after all.

i did do the yoga video....it was difficult to hold some of those poses because my legs were shaking and stuff, but overall it was nice. i will def do again. i want to lose weight, finally.

work it out

now work it out....now work it out...
I MISS THIS SONG


i'm getting the Biggest Loser:Weight Loss Yoga video today. i will be working it out. i wish i could walk it out for a whole 4 minutes, but dancing gets tiring. hopefully after a few workouts i'll be ablt walk it out.

i woke up at 5am today. very exciting. i'm looking forward to waking up early tomorrow as well to clean or work-out. the end.

"Do you know where the crapper is? I have to drop some timber."
i thought of this quote from the movie The House Bunny because i dropped a memorable load of timber earlier today....tmi..i know, sorry.

anywhozle, i have work to do.

change in the weather

i think nature is talking to me. it's saying, 'hey racheeze, what's up? how's it going? are you up to anything? cuz if you're not you should come outside and just chill and look at the clouds." man, weather, i wish i could. two more hours until i get to drive home and look at things. this really is a highlight of my day. anywhozer, i went to the coffee shop and i did in fact see the dude. but it's all good, i didn't care as much. things are improving. i chatted with the coffee girl about hair. she is nice. maybe one day i will take it further and ask her name. who knows. then next thing i'll ask if she wants to hang out. back to my story...i end up going and i sit outside. it had started to lightly snow earlier so little specks were falling sporadically. i'm drinking hot coffee...looking at the wall of the adjacent building. someone had once tagged MEGADETH on it, but it's since been painted over. i could still see it though.
anywho, the cofee along with the razzle-dazzle and the weather have turned my mood around. i am now looking forward to enjoying my day. i've decided to try and put as much of my stuff online as i can...photos, vids...that type of stuff. or else they shall remain in boxes, unseen. i was looking at some vid i took at the aquarium. i really enjoyed it. wow, how weird, me liking my own stuff. unheard of. anywho, yes. the vid has the voice of a dude who i saw a couple times.




i wonder if i start a blog about beards, if i can just go up to random beard-men and ask if i can photograph them? if i had the balls i would soo do it. just a little longer. my balls are thinking about dropping. then it's on. after all, i shouldn't really care about what ppl think, right? right. THIS BEARD MAN PROJECT MAKES ME WANT A POLOROID CAMERA. I always wanted one. ok...ca suffit..j'ai besoin de faire le travail. i need to relearn french. blargh. i miss knowing all that stuff.

my attempt to reach beard man

has been answered by one person who is not beard man:

"I'm not the guy at the party but I have a beard and love being felt up. Let me know if you want to play."

he also included a picture of his d....not bad but i don't think so.

it's coming back to me, sort of

so i keep getting more little clues that surface in my mind about the party. was i making out w/beard-man on the porch in front of ppl? that is probs true. was i pimping out this blog? i think i did to one person. did i drink 3 or 4 negra modelos? ok...this i don't remember. i love foolin' round w/guys. so much fun.

so i'm sitting here at work looking at this thing that someone made and gave to me. i wonder if it was made for me or just gifted to me. it made me think about why we get attached to things. for me, it's an idea. i like to visualise the person touching said object. just knowing that it was once in those hands. i think these objects that i grow attached to just mean that i want for human interaction...the touch. how silly is it to look at a piece of paper longingly? very.

blargh...my stomach is gurgling. i keep going up and down 1.5 lbs. i need to start exercising. my metabolism is non-existant. i wanted to go back and do south beach, but i just bought a big bag of grapefruits and some fuji apples. i wouldn't be able to eat fruit, or any sugar for that matter. i'll do it later, after i finish my fruit.

so therapy this week should be interesting. she's probs going to have all these questions. then i'll be like, i don't remember. it was fun. there were jokes, there was beard and now here i am.

it is getting cray-cray outside. the wind is picking up and the sky is looking like an unflushed toilet bowl-muddy brown. i wanted to go to the cofee shop but if i do i'll have to sit inside and i don't really want to see coffee shop buy. my outfit is not cute today, umkay. actually i feel like my cuteness is going down. i need to work on that. the end.

party time, excellent

so there's much to say about last night. i could start with saying that i smoked a cig....no, i think i smoked two cigs. man, that shit was fun. i miss parties. i like parties. i'm glad i contacted jo. i'm glad she invited me. i got to talk to ppl and i met a 'beard man'. beards make me so happy. oohh i think i kissed a girl as well. the end.
i'm at work now and i think i'm still dri-zunk. i got like 1.25 hours of sleep.
'beard-man' is moving to san fran today or tomorrow, of course. he was super nice and an excellent kisser. what a difference a night of partying can make.




i need sleep

i love this video

i don't know what's up with the hairy crotch underwears...but whatevs.

i am procrastinating

so i have to do all this filing and moving of files and organizing and i don't want to...but i need to. so instead I'll procrastinate.

WOW....that worked. i just spend about 35 minutes rearranging my queue on nexflix. i am now looking forward to a bunch of foreign films and some Biggest Loser workouts as well.

i love this woman's voice. i wish i could sing like her. the end.

FFF:first friday fractals

i should have looked into this 2 weeks ago. the show is sold out for tonight so i have to wait for march to roll around. when it does roll around though, i'll be prepared. well, i'm ready now...got the ticket...dang. i really wanted to see this tonight, but like they say, everything happens for a reason. instead i'll be heading over to the guild cinema to watch this:



Time Crimes
A film by Nacho Vigalondo

this should be fun...i like the guild. i just need to get there early enough to get a good seat. the end.

i woke up at 5:35 am. incredible. go me. i want to turn into a morning person. actually i want to be both a night and morning person. a friend was once saying how she's whitling down her sleeping time so she could do more things. i laughed. but now i'm beginning to understand. i want to get up early so that i'm not late to work and so i could relax while getting ready. drink some coffee. read some internets news...whatev.

the end

song: Watermelon Man
artist: Herbie Hancock

watermelon man reminds me of my father because of his love for this melon and the semblance between the melon and his giant stomach. watermelon man...

my ego was freakin' out

i'm always amazed when i see how easy it is for my ego to act up once again...up to its same old tricks. i went to the coffee shop to just get away from work, whatev. so i get there, go in, ask the coffee-lady some questions, get some tea, then i look around the place to see who's there. my eyes fall upon this dude who i've seen before. i think he saw me too...anywho. i get my stuff then go out and chill. i had a strong desire to pee so i need to go back in. i go to my car first and drop some stuff off because i'm going to get more ice and i need to put the cup inside my purse so i can first pee then get ice....wow...anywho...as i'm getting ready to go back in, my mind begins to think about my appearance and about the guy. i feel a weird confidence that he would be in there and i would look and he would look. so i go in and he's not there. i then of course begin to panic and curse at myself...but then i get a grip and tell myself que sera, sera. i'd most likely see him again in the future. i walk out to go back to my car and there he is..smoking a fagola...
basically i freaked out cuz he wasn't there for me to see and fantasize about...then he was. there's no need to freak out. in fact, i feel like there's no need to do much of anything that requires deep thinking.

i bought a palmiere but i'm not so hungry that i want to finish it. i couldn't even eat all my salad for lunch. anywho...i think i'm a bit hesitant of eating lots of refined sugar because it's my crack...i'm cuckoo-bananas for sugar. but i did well...i have 1/2 of the pastry for tomorrow...it's all good.

on the drive home i was thinking about that dude and how he looks like a knock-off of the original coffee-shop guy that i was gaga for. then i got to thinking how my whole like is a knock-off...no real labels...but then why do i need them. it's just my ego all over again. hear that, knock-off coffee guy...my doors open. lets hang.

SOME THINGS YOU CAN LET SLIDE

this morning en route to work i talked to my south dakota best friend. i told her that i didn't know what i was thinking when i wanted to be w/that dude [i was probs thinking about the booty on the reg.] The thing is he doesn't recycle. that should've been the immediate deal-breaker, for realz. how can i be w/someone who fills their trash can w/reclyclables. that shit will make me cry. come on ppl, please just spend a few minutes separating recyclables from trash.

Recyclables:
-paper products
-plastic [look for number on bottom of container...#3, 6, and 7 are rarely recycled
-metal, aluminum
-organic matter [composting]
-glass

In conclusion, recycling is awesome and even though it may not be perfect, we should try to do our part to not fill our world w/trash and maybe cut down on how much we consume. the end.

oh yeah back to the guy...anywhozle, my friend said an exception may be made if he was excellent in bed. no exceptions here.

no hog!!!!but it's so tasty

it is a good day...ooh aww. i love this song and ice cube. makes me miss cali even more.


Regulators, mount up....



see i'm riding high...

i love gangster rap.

wow...i'm so cheerful right now

i'd like to think that this is natural and that i was meant to feel this way right now, buy maybe it's the 3 cups of coffee i've had this morning. no matter, it's great. i feel like conquering the world, or at least a few small things. for example, knitting...i feel like i could knit the shit out of that yarn in my purse right now. i'm making neck warmers. they're pretty cool. you just pull them down over your head and there they are around your neck keeping you warm. the end.

i saw him again

i just remembered that last night i dreamt of him, my first big crush who i swore i was in love with who also gave me my first kiss. it was very odd. we were in a small room w/another girl and we were all lying on the floor, as if to sleep. i couldn't sleep knowing that he was just 2 feet away. i wanted to ask him questions and such but i didn't. instead i got up tried to find a tupperware container and a spoon. i was trying to be really quiet because i think i wanted to scoop him up and put him in the container. i guess i wanted to make off w/him. very weird. i'm glad that he didn't say anything though, because those words can't be trusted, i made everything up afterall, in my head.
anywho....i do enjoy dreaming of him from time to time. hopefully i won't feel so drawn to him in the future dreams. maybe we can be buds. i am trying to be friends w/the guy in my dreams. i wonder what my therapist would say?

Me Llamo Raquel

i love it...absolutely love it. This song, Me Llamo Raquel, is by La Banda Machos. This is mos def a classic in the mexican collection of songs. If you're at a mexican party and they don't play this song, then there is something wrong. Proceed immediately to the DJ booth and request it, along with No Te Metas Con Mi Cucu, yet another classic.

But on the real, this song is so aweseme that little kids are doing a strip tease to it, ppl are karaokeing to it, but most importantly, people are shaking their asses. Can't stop the dance. This song is about a guy who goes out to a club and meets Raquel. They start to get friendly and later he discovers that Raquel is a man. All the while this mofo has a girlfriend, who dumps him, and friends who laugh at him and his shenanigans. this is my kind of song. the end.

i listened to this on the way to work and you know what...i wish i was dancing. where are the good mexican house parties yo? no, really...where, cuz i def want to go.


i woke up at 5:39am to make my food for the day. i still managed to be 2 min late to work. not too bad, but not acceptable. Anywhozle, i've made some progress w/the cleaning. All the dirty dishes are now separated into neat piles. Next comes the washing.

i'm sitting this one out

i feel like a ghost. I'm not here. i can't even pin down concrete thoughts. there is only an overriding sense of loss and sadness. i don't know who i am or where i fit in. if only i could embrace this, i could find peace. but instead i want to have a place, i want to have friends, i want to be liked. all these things my therapist says are normal, and they may be, but they are driving me crazy. i guess it's the juxtaposition of who i was then, and who i am now. i have very good friends who i talk on the phone with, but they are not here. even when people are here, be it new or old people, i can't reach out and touch them. i dont' know why i feel like i need to touch...to verify their solidity, presence. i can't stand the idea of going through life alone. i know i'm not alone because i have family, but even then, everyone is alone. i can never know anyone truly.

i can feel myself going down down down back to the place i know so well. boo mother fuckin' hoo. it's so sad.

if i stop fighting change i'd probs feel better.

REJECTION: What it's doing to me.

well, it's official. i have been rejected by the boy i was 'seeing', yet not really seeing. just when things start to get interesting this boy drops me like it's hot. wtf. i hate rejection, who doesn't, it's so earth-shattering. your ego takes a blow. you begin to wonder, "Why not me?" Well the answer i couldn't tell you, but i could come up with more questions. Is the type of guy i want out of my reach. i'm always attracted to the indie white dudes, but mayhaps they're not for me. so then i try to find other people and they're like ,"no thank you" as well. i'm trying to be okay with this. i'm trying to not think about being lonely. i'm trying to find some fuckin'....something.

anywho...i don't mind looking like a fool. i do it often enough to not care too much. i logged on to the site where i met homeboy, and what do you know, he logged on as well. so now i'm thinking i want to send him a message. how dare he avoid me. so i do, only to discover that he had already logged off. WTF. all the message said was that it's cool if he's not into me, but i would've appreciated it if he had told me with words, to my face, or ears, both. anywhozle...now my ego is feeling like fighting back even more. it does not want to be insulted but the votes are in and i lose. and that's cool.

maybe i need to be alone for a while longer. i really do want to find someone who i can BE with. be as in, no worries about image, about personality...about anything. who will appreciate and accept my baked goods?

oh wellz...i feel better now.
i have so much shit to do.

this is an excellent way to start my monday.

super bowl...what?

it's that time of year again when dudes get together to compare dicks. how exciting. the pinnacle of sport events....The Super Bowl. this is not just The Bowl, this shit is mother-truckin' SUPER. anywho, besides hatin' on sports, i'm havin' a case of the small-eyes at the moment.

i'm thinking about making myself a turkey-burger. i'm also thinking that it will be delicious. it will have grilled green chiles on it....yum.

oh blargh....so i said i'd clean, but i don't think i'll be doing that anytime soon. laundry, yes...cleaning, no. i'd rather watch Pineapple Express.

good idea.

))<>((