Upon waking this morning, i made sure to repeat the nights' dream to myself so as to not forget.
Amazingly, i still remember some of it.
In the dream i'm telling myself that i want to go to a bar after work. I even have one in mind
that does exist here in albuquerque. Anywho, i guess it's after work and i'm trying to get to this place, but the weird thing is that the city is a mix of los angeles and abq, with the buildings and the streets. As I'm walking to this bar, the place seems more like l.a. in that there are lots of people sitting outside of other bar places. All of these people were smoking cigs, which bothered me in the dream because i quit in real life. So throughout this dream i am being tempted to smoke a fucking cigarrette. I don't remember if i ever get to that bar, i just remember that i really wanted to go.
The previous night i also dreamt.
In this dream what i remember is that I, along with two other people, was chosen to be a part of this comic/art training, which seemed to be a big deal. Like it was an honor to be chosen or something. So i was super excited because i was going to learn things and possibly get some exposure. I guess we had to share some of our work so the blond sort-of-exotic girl goes first. She reads a poem she wrote. I was very shocked once i heard her stuff, to be in this group. I thought to myself, 'Is this a joke?" You see the poem was really nothing special. The only thing that was of note was her accent. I couldn't place it but it was very different. Anywho, after i heard her stuff i didn't know what to think of the honor of being chosen. We all had little notebooks and stuff and we had one dude who was the teacher dude, i guess. It almost seemed like a reality show. I never got to read my stuff. I did think about showing all the art things i've made though....the end.
maybe i watch too much reality t.v. maybe i want some recognition.....maybe i want to do stand up....who knows? i think this not smoking cigs thing might be getting to me. i'm glad it's thursday and that the week is almost over. i really really really want to get shit-faced....when will i drink again? who knows. anywho....that smoking dream really rattled me. blargh....should i just go smoke? i have some in the car...no rachel...NO. okay, got that out of my system.
))<>((
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Monday, December 1, 2008
the 1st day of the last month of the year
the first day of the last month of the year
is here, today...only.
once we get past this day,
all subsequent days will slide rapidly towards
the end...the final collision.
the days will be like a pile of gelatinous goo,
sliding off each other, with no where to go,
until that last day of the year,
when we can drink them all away
with justifications and good intentions
for the following sets of
wasted days.
more gunk for the soul.
+++++++++++
this is the first year that i went out shopping on black friday.
what an appropriate name, by the way. it's a day that we will kill
for savings. but anywho, i went to kmart (to buy my mom a decorative
x-mas tree thingy) then i went to Mecca record and bookstore. They
were having a 30% off everything used. So i ended up getting many
books, a few records, and three cds. although i have practically all
of Pavement on my laptop, i bought the Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain CD.
I don't know how to explain my love for Pavement (especially Stephen
Malkmus). For the most part 99%, their music makes no sense, but i
like it not making sense. It makes emotional sense.
anywho, i was looking up the lyrics to Stop Breathing, because it's
my favorite song on the cd so far...i love love love it. his voice...
ummm...the end. anywho, i came upon a website that i hadn't visited in
many years. the last time i was there i was looking up some belle and
sebastian stuff in college. i feel old, but back to the point. this website
is called http://www.songmeanings.net . After I looked up the song
Stop Breathing, i moved on to Carrot Rope.
i love reading the comments, the possible meanings that these songs could
have, according to the people contributing their 2 cents.
Below is the comment left by some foolio for the Carrot Rope song.
I love his analysis:
"Benny-X 03-12-2003
It's about getting high. Marijuana, you know? Now I know you're thinking I'm just a stoner but bear with me here. Now let's examine the title first. Carrot Rope. Now imagine a joint, if you will. The way the paper is rolled might just make it look somewhat like a rope. And if you've ever looked at a carrot closely, you will see ridges going around the outside of it, much like the ridges of a joint. I also neglected to mention the fact that the actual color of burning marijuana and paper, orange, is indeed the same color as that of a carrot. Secondly, let us look at the lyrics. "Carrot rope, feed my thrill, I got beat by weather." This could very easily be about the writers use of drugs, namely marijuana, to step away from his problems. He is "beat by weather" (not feelin' so hot) and so he relies on marijuana (the carrot rope) to feed his thrill. Some more proof, you say? Well how about when it says "It's my second hand wonder, a thing that recovers the doubt." Again, illustrating the writers reliance on marijuana to make him feel better about life and himself. Just a few lines later in the song, "It's of my design assembled at the cut." Now I could be pushing it a bit here, but you could refer to the amount of marijuana used as the "cut." The writer's high is adjusted depending on the amount he uses. This is a little shakey though. "It's alright to shake, to fight, to feel," followed by "you go down, down, down, down." The first line could mean one of two things if the song is actually about marijuana. One, it could be one opinion the writer has about drugs, that it's alright to use them, "feel" them. Of course, it could be the exact opposite. Saying that it's alright to experience life as it is and drugs are unnecissary. The second line, "you go down, down, down, down," well that's a bit obvious. The last few lines now. There is talk of this "wicket keeper" and how he is seemingly "down" and how "he gets me off of the grounds." I understood the wicket keeper to be a metaphor for the Malkmus' conscience. A conscience to tell you what to do, controling your life through morals and judgement, you know who I'm talking about? Well, he's gone or "down" once you've started on the carrot rope, right? In a sense, it gets you "off of the grounds." Pretty persuasive if I might say so myself. And if you still think I'm just a stoner, I'd like to point out that most of the other people who have commented here are perverts. That's right, talking about masturbation, pedafilia, bondage, public nudity and the such. For shame. To tell you the truth though, I'm not actually that sure. I just thought it made a bit of sense. I have no explination for the "Christian lie" part of the song. Nor do I know what the bomb the writer is going to drop on someone is. But come on now. Carrot rope. Looks like a joint, huh? "
Halfway through that analysis, i wish i was stoned. anywho, that is the greatness of the internetz,
anyone can say anything. so in conclusion, visit this website and read about your favorite songs.
do you think a song is written about you? say so, on this website. i think i'm going to go back to looking for some ridiculous shit.
ps. i feel like crap. my tooth is causing me pain. i couldn't sleep last night. i just kept moving around the bed...moaning and shit. my poor dog was the victim of my ceaseless movements. i finally fell back asleep at 5 am...only to wake up an hour later. tommorow i go to the dentist, finally. i know those bastards are only going to take x-rays. i am of the belief that they should pull this fuckin' tooth out.
when i was younger i used to think, hey, maybe i should just have dentures then i won't have to take care of my teeth, or get cavities. now i'm scared because my teeth are pretty much really fucked up and i wouldn't be surprised if they said i need dentures. the end.
i'll update later is i feel even more miserable or better.
))<>((
is here, today...only.
once we get past this day,
all subsequent days will slide rapidly towards
the end...the final collision.
the days will be like a pile of gelatinous goo,
sliding off each other, with no where to go,
until that last day of the year,
when we can drink them all away
with justifications and good intentions
for the following sets of
wasted days.
more gunk for the soul.
+++++++++++
this is the first year that i went out shopping on black friday.
what an appropriate name, by the way. it's a day that we will kill
for savings. but anywho, i went to kmart (to buy my mom a decorative
x-mas tree thingy) then i went to Mecca record and bookstore. They
were having a 30% off everything used. So i ended up getting many
books, a few records, and three cds. although i have practically all
of Pavement on my laptop, i bought the Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain CD.
I don't know how to explain my love for Pavement (especially Stephen
Malkmus). For the most part 99%, their music makes no sense, but i
like it not making sense. It makes emotional sense.
anywho, i was looking up the lyrics to Stop Breathing, because it's
my favorite song on the cd so far...i love love love it. his voice...
ummm...the end. anywho, i came upon a website that i hadn't visited in
many years. the last time i was there i was looking up some belle and
sebastian stuff in college. i feel old, but back to the point. this website
is called http://www.songmeanings.net . After I looked up the song
Stop Breathing, i moved on to Carrot Rope.
i love reading the comments, the possible meanings that these songs could
have, according to the people contributing their 2 cents.
Below is the comment left by some foolio for the Carrot Rope song.
I love his analysis:
"Benny-X 03-12-2003
It's about getting high. Marijuana, you know? Now I know you're thinking I'm just a stoner but bear with me here. Now let's examine the title first. Carrot Rope. Now imagine a joint, if you will. The way the paper is rolled might just make it look somewhat like a rope. And if you've ever looked at a carrot closely, you will see ridges going around the outside of it, much like the ridges of a joint. I also neglected to mention the fact that the actual color of burning marijuana and paper, orange, is indeed the same color as that of a carrot. Secondly, let us look at the lyrics. "Carrot rope, feed my thrill, I got beat by weather." This could very easily be about the writers use of drugs, namely marijuana, to step away from his problems. He is "beat by weather" (not feelin' so hot) and so he relies on marijuana (the carrot rope) to feed his thrill. Some more proof, you say? Well how about when it says "It's my second hand wonder, a thing that recovers the doubt." Again, illustrating the writers reliance on marijuana to make him feel better about life and himself. Just a few lines later in the song, "It's of my design assembled at the cut." Now I could be pushing it a bit here, but you could refer to the amount of marijuana used as the "cut." The writer's high is adjusted depending on the amount he uses. This is a little shakey though. "It's alright to shake, to fight, to feel," followed by "you go down, down, down, down." The first line could mean one of two things if the song is actually about marijuana. One, it could be one opinion the writer has about drugs, that it's alright to use them, "feel" them. Of course, it could be the exact opposite. Saying that it's alright to experience life as it is and drugs are unnecissary. The second line, "you go down, down, down, down," well that's a bit obvious. The last few lines now. There is talk of this "wicket keeper" and how he is seemingly "down" and how "he gets me off of the grounds." I understood the wicket keeper to be a metaphor for the Malkmus' conscience. A conscience to tell you what to do, controling your life through morals and judgement, you know who I'm talking about? Well, he's gone or "down" once you've started on the carrot rope, right? In a sense, it gets you "off of the grounds." Pretty persuasive if I might say so myself. And if you still think I'm just a stoner, I'd like to point out that most of the other people who have commented here are perverts. That's right, talking about masturbation, pedafilia, bondage, public nudity and the such. For shame. To tell you the truth though, I'm not actually that sure. I just thought it made a bit of sense. I have no explination for the "Christian lie" part of the song. Nor do I know what the bomb the writer is going to drop on someone is. But come on now. Carrot rope. Looks like a joint, huh? "
Halfway through that analysis, i wish i was stoned. anywho, that is the greatness of the internetz,
anyone can say anything. so in conclusion, visit this website and read about your favorite songs.
do you think a song is written about you? say so, on this website. i think i'm going to go back to looking for some ridiculous shit.
ps. i feel like crap. my tooth is causing me pain. i couldn't sleep last night. i just kept moving around the bed...moaning and shit. my poor dog was the victim of my ceaseless movements. i finally fell back asleep at 5 am...only to wake up an hour later. tommorow i go to the dentist, finally. i know those bastards are only going to take x-rays. i am of the belief that they should pull this fuckin' tooth out.
when i was younger i used to think, hey, maybe i should just have dentures then i won't have to take care of my teeth, or get cavities. now i'm scared because my teeth are pretty much really fucked up and i wouldn't be surprised if they said i need dentures. the end.
i'll update later is i feel even more miserable or better.
))<>((
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
para ti no tengo amor....para ti no tengo nada
111408/1205pm
1.
the ups and downs are incredible,
i know them well.
looking back i can map out what
happened when, by the point in the
curve at that time.
the point is at the bottom right now.
if this time wasn't tainted with sorrow,
i could liken it to meditating,
to clearing my mind,
for i find myself empty but for the
sorrow.
2.
i love folk music because it speaks
to me it seams
to say things could be worse
but they may be getting better.
then there's the sadness.
the sad sound of the acoustic guitar.
the harmonica solo.
bobby d. had it right.
upbeat folk is good as well.
can't get enough of that tambourine,
beating and clanging out
the sound of solidarity.
making visible the
the invisible ties that bind.
****
I get on this trip listening to music that i like.
I will listen to a song over and over and over again
like it aint no thang. Today's song on loop is called
A Real Time Here by Lloyd & Michael
Above is a video of Lloyd & Michael performing live.
I have no clue what song it is because i cannot hear
sound from the youtube site at work for some reason.
so i guess i'll listen to my post later.
the end.
1.
the ups and downs are incredible,
i know them well.
looking back i can map out what
happened when, by the point in the
curve at that time.
the point is at the bottom right now.
if this time wasn't tainted with sorrow,
i could liken it to meditating,
to clearing my mind,
for i find myself empty but for the
sorrow.
2.
i love folk music because it speaks
to me it seams
to say things could be worse
but they may be getting better.
then there's the sadness.
the sad sound of the acoustic guitar.
the harmonica solo.
bobby d. had it right.
upbeat folk is good as well.
can't get enough of that tambourine,
beating and clanging out
the sound of solidarity.
making visible the
the invisible ties that bind.
****
I get on this trip listening to music that i like.
I will listen to a song over and over and over again
like it aint no thang. Today's song on loop is called
A Real Time Here by Lloyd & Michael
Above is a video of Lloyd & Michael performing live.
I have no clue what song it is because i cannot hear
sound from the youtube site at work for some reason.
so i guess i'll listen to my post later.
the end.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
i can't get this out of my head
Mirah-Don't Die In Me
and while i was searching for this song, i also came upon this song, which reminds me of the Stardust days. back when i thought i was cool for dipping my toes into the pool of metal...
Children of Bodom-Angels Don't Die
Update...i guess the song is called Angels Dont' Kill
and they really need to work on actually making a video.
Maybe they're too 'effin me'al to bother with making a video.
who knows...i certainly don't....mmmmm, all this talk about metal
is making me want to head bang.
the end
and while i was searching for this song, i also came upon this song, which reminds me of the Stardust days. back when i thought i was cool for dipping my toes into the pool of metal...
Children of Bodom-Angels Don't Die
Update...i guess the song is called Angels Dont' Kill
and they really need to work on actually making a video.
Maybe they're too 'effin me'al to bother with making a video.
who knows...i certainly don't....mmmmm, all this talk about metal
is making me want to head bang.
the end
long-disatance runner
every hello is an eventual goodbye.
all i can do is take you in with my eyes,
but that's never enough.
the touch is needed
to see if you're real.
i doubt my existense, as well.
******
the sun was coming in too bright through the window for it to be five thirty am. it was in fact seven twenty three and she was late again. no use rushing now...now that she knew she would be really late. how does one find the drive to get out of bed when you just barely got into it a few hours before. yes, it was only five hours ago that she had met beard-man. four hours ago that she had gone into a closet with him to fiddle around. she was very interested in fiddling but not the instruments. certain instruments were more useful than others in situations where one finds oneself in a closet with a bearded man. "harder," she told him.
******
i can't hold on to you through your memory.
i have no claim to your time.
you've found your other
so you've got to spend all your time with him not me.
even if we are 1200 miles apart and your actions are logical...
i feel you leaving.
but i've heard that's life...i guess i'm still waiting.
*******
you can't rewrite history
so go out and make your own
or stay in and make it with
the wringing of your hands
as they contemplate the void.
*******
tip:if you get an inkling that you should shower,
it's best not to ignore that feeling/hunch. crunch munch
******
the phone rang at two pm.
it reverberated through the house,
unanswered.
all i can do is take you in with my eyes,
but that's never enough.
the touch is needed
to see if you're real.
i doubt my existense, as well.
******
the sun was coming in too bright through the window for it to be five thirty am. it was in fact seven twenty three and she was late again. no use rushing now...now that she knew she would be really late. how does one find the drive to get out of bed when you just barely got into it a few hours before. yes, it was only five hours ago that she had met beard-man. four hours ago that she had gone into a closet with him to fiddle around. she was very interested in fiddling but not the instruments. certain instruments were more useful than others in situations where one finds oneself in a closet with a bearded man. "harder," she told him.
******
i can't hold on to you through your memory.
i have no claim to your time.
you've found your other
so you've got to spend all your time with him not me.
even if we are 1200 miles apart and your actions are logical...
i feel you leaving.
but i've heard that's life...i guess i'm still waiting.
*******
you can't rewrite history
so go out and make your own
or stay in and make it with
the wringing of your hands
as they contemplate the void.
*******
tip:if you get an inkling that you should shower,
it's best not to ignore that feeling/hunch. crunch munch
******
the phone rang at two pm.
it reverberated through the house,
unanswered.
Cogman....thoughts on cogs and other things 10/16-1029
COGMAN
COGNISANCE
COGMAN...I READ A STORY IN COLLEGE ONCE ABOUT MEN BEING COGS IN THE MACHINE OF SOCIETY...THE WORKING WORLD. I THINK IT WAS SOMETHING THAT WAS WRITTEN BY FYODOR DOSTOEVSKY...OR TOLSTOY.
update...i found it...it's tolstoy
101608/0841am
with today's modern technology not keeping in touch is impossible. if you don't talk to someone it's because you no longer wish to. the barriers of distance and location are no longer there. the days of being on an oceanliner...or home on the prairie without a landline are over. i kind of wished i could go there. would i then want to connect?
0905am
sally don't you godon't you go round the roses...
i love when i hear a song on the itunes radio that i actually have at home on vinyl. this just happenedwith a grace slick and the great society song.i'd like to say that i rule, but i don't...grace slick rules.when i advertise for a roommate for my housei'd like to mention that we can share my record player. but really...will anyone be interested in this. i can'tget over the idea that if i don't move downtown nothing will happen for me. blast those parental ties...no really. blast them, then i'll be free. i can totally afford to live on my own somewhere but i help to pay all the utilities at home. the end. back to work.
1032am
oh my goodness i'm going to go crazy. i can't look at pictures of ***** without being filled with an intense longing. he has a very beautiful girlfriend. i'm so jealous. i want to be with him. someone left a comment in my honesty box saying that they masturbate to me and cum 3-4 times an hour. although this is probably a complete lie...i really wish it came from ***** the end. i need to get laid.
0220PM
estoy tripeando pelotas guey...pero it's not joke. te lo digo seriamente es muy interesante come el cerebro puede aprender tantas cosas. como los ser humanos son capaces de tener tantas lenguas y comnunicarse. quisierra estar en mi casa ahorita...pero solo para poder salir y fumer y entrar y hacer mis cosas o no hacer nada...quisas eso tambien estaria bien padre. el unico dia que puedo ver al muchacho mocho son lon lunes. he estado pensando en las cosas de amores...bueno, pues, las cosas de tener a un chavo, mas bien, pero si seria padre tener novio...no lo se por seguro. una hora con treinta y siete minutos hasta que es tiempo de salir a la casa....pero esto del trabjo ya me aburrio. lo unico que falta para hacer del aburriamento comido es la letra 't.' quisas un dia escriba una novela...quisas quisas quisas.
Este aviso es para informarle de las ofertas que estamos ofreciendo esta semana en nuestros paquetes de maquillaje 'Joder.' tus amigas te diran, "No...Jodas?" y tu les responderas, "Si. Jodas, guey."
101708
0324PM
did i just hear my co-worker tell mikey he could 'be sitting at home stroking"? it's probably not what he said, but if it is then it's eye-opening with what ease these dudes are talking about their dicks.
102008
0717am
i am having a very bad day. it started with my mom and her religion. then i almost burned my car with a cig. then my water bottle falls and breaks. and now i just feel like shit. and i left without giving my dog water and new pee pads. maybe i should just move out once and for all.
102908
0211pm
i never wonder what i missed at work
i always wonder what i missed in the past,
as if that would do any good.
walking away from the coffeeshop i feel dejected,
deflated and maybe some other de words.
not debunked...well perhaps.
i may have debunked myself,
stripped away the veil of self-deceit.
what was left was me, alone,with all my traits,
good or bad.
COGNISANCE
COGMAN...I READ A STORY IN COLLEGE ONCE ABOUT MEN BEING COGS IN THE MACHINE OF SOCIETY...THE WORKING WORLD. I THINK IT WAS SOMETHING THAT WAS WRITTEN BY FYODOR DOSTOEVSKY...OR TOLSTOY.
update...i found it...it's tolstoy
101608/0841am
with today's modern technology not keeping in touch is impossible. if you don't talk to someone it's because you no longer wish to. the barriers of distance and location are no longer there. the days of being on an oceanliner...or home on the prairie without a landline are over. i kind of wished i could go there. would i then want to connect?
0905am
sally don't you godon't you go round the roses...
i love when i hear a song on the itunes radio that i actually have at home on vinyl. this just happenedwith a grace slick and the great society song.i'd like to say that i rule, but i don't...grace slick rules.when i advertise for a roommate for my housei'd like to mention that we can share my record player. but really...will anyone be interested in this. i can'tget over the idea that if i don't move downtown nothing will happen for me. blast those parental ties...no really. blast them, then i'll be free. i can totally afford to live on my own somewhere but i help to pay all the utilities at home. the end. back to work.
1032am
oh my goodness i'm going to go crazy. i can't look at pictures of ***** without being filled with an intense longing. he has a very beautiful girlfriend. i'm so jealous. i want to be with him. someone left a comment in my honesty box saying that they masturbate to me and cum 3-4 times an hour. although this is probably a complete lie...i really wish it came from ***** the end. i need to get laid.
0220PM
estoy tripeando pelotas guey...pero it's not joke. te lo digo seriamente es muy interesante come el cerebro puede aprender tantas cosas. como los ser humanos son capaces de tener tantas lenguas y comnunicarse. quisierra estar en mi casa ahorita...pero solo para poder salir y fumer y entrar y hacer mis cosas o no hacer nada...quisas eso tambien estaria bien padre. el unico dia que puedo ver al muchacho mocho son lon lunes. he estado pensando en las cosas de amores...bueno, pues, las cosas de tener a un chavo, mas bien, pero si seria padre tener novio...no lo se por seguro. una hora con treinta y siete minutos hasta que es tiempo de salir a la casa....pero esto del trabjo ya me aburrio. lo unico que falta para hacer del aburriamento comido es la letra 't.' quisas un dia escriba una novela...quisas quisas quisas.
Este aviso es para informarle de las ofertas que estamos ofreciendo esta semana en nuestros paquetes de maquillaje 'Joder.' tus amigas te diran, "No...Jodas?" y tu les responderas, "Si. Jodas, guey."
101708
0324PM
did i just hear my co-worker tell mikey he could 'be sitting at home stroking"? it's probably not what he said, but if it is then it's eye-opening with what ease these dudes are talking about their dicks.
102008
0717am
i am having a very bad day. it started with my mom and her religion. then i almost burned my car with a cig. then my water bottle falls and breaks. and now i just feel like shit. and i left without giving my dog water and new pee pads. maybe i should just move out once and for all.
102908
0211pm
i never wonder what i missed at work
i always wonder what i missed in the past,
as if that would do any good.
walking away from the coffeeshop i feel dejected,
deflated and maybe some other de words.
not debunked...well perhaps.
i may have debunked myself,
stripped away the veil of self-deceit.
what was left was me, alone,with all my traits,
good or bad.
JUST ANOTHER PODUNK TOWN 09262008
i moved to albuquerque 1 year and 27 daysago. it was a hesitant move but a move nonetheless, more fueled by fear of survival than by true desire. i spent the first few months in a whirlwind of inactivity. it was spent getting used to the idea, if you will, the idea that was now fact. i lived in albuquerque and had definitely left los angeles. although i am not a lifetime angeleno, being there 6.5 years was enough time for me to become a born again one. i bled l.a. well, perhaps it was mostly mental, but there was blood, not always mine. yes, this is what i mean by being a part of the city. living next to a crackhouse...slowly cracking their talk. hearing them mumble, sometimes not so quietly between the hours of one am and five am...and eventually seeing them bleed. they've been shot at, my neighbors, and by default, i experienced this twice. hell, once we almost ran over a dead body. i blame it on the po-po for not taping off the road. so, where was i? oh yes, it was a difficult move considering my love affair with los angeles. i enjoyed the options open to me, for i didn't go out everyday, but i knew i could, if i so desired. here in albuquerque i live in the fuckin' boondocks...or rather all the way in timbuktu. my city is divided into four quadrants. i live in the sw quadrant, in what i believe is the most sw corner of the city...in housing developments. yes they're nice and all, but annoying as hell. yesterday i received a letter from the homeowner's association. it stated that as a part of living in a community i reaped the benefits of a nice community blahblah balh and that on their inspection they saw that my front yard has weeds growing, therefore i must fix this situation before i get fined. fuck you h.o.a. maybe less patroling the neighborhood trying to find ways to make more money and more minding of your own business. so now like a little bitch i have to do it. my mom's out of town and she would not like to be fined. you see the thing is i have no problem with doing this, pulling of weeds. my prob is that i've gone into hermit mode and i really don't want to do things in my front yard for fear that my neighbors will see me. don't get me wrong, i love my neighbors, but the thing is i volunteered once to do obama campaign work, then i didn't do anything after that. obama girl has called me on several occasions and i didn't answer. that is how i deal with things. so now i have to be all up in the front yard, full visibility, and deal with my shame of being a flakey-mc-flaken flake in the eyes of my neighbors. i don't think they'd judge, it's more of me judging myself than anything. to illustrate further my method of dealing with things, i shall tell the story of my bathroom. four days ago as i was getting ready for work, i'm sitting on the pot, and i happen to look into the tub, and what do i see? a centipede thingy...this one has 20 legs on each side...i should google that shit. anywhozers, this creature is still there. i don't want to touch it, i don't want to kill it. i just want it to go away. two days ago as i was in line to get food somewhere. there was a little boy and his father in front of me, and what did this boy have in his hands? a toy centipede. is this a sign from the universe? am i missing out on the message? i don't know.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
i think i felt more connected
well...i shouldn't say 'i think' because i did feel that way this morning. i'm trying to go back to what i learned from Tolle and now what i'm reading in my current book, Facing the Lion, Being the Lion, by Mark Nepo. It's about courage, what it is, how we can find it and how to use it. It has pulled me in. At first i find myself hesitant to read it because i think, what else could i be doing, but when i open it up i find that i don't want to put it down.
aaahhhhh...i guess right now i'm on a journey trying to learn how to live with myself, how to accept everything that i am, how to enjoy everything that happens everyday because each experience is unique. if i can quiet the voice in the head, all the unnecessary thinking, i can find moments of peace. they don't last too long but i guess that's the thing to remember. we can't hold on to things that bring us happiness. those things are not meant to be captured. we have to experience them, then let them go, knowing that we will encounter them again.
i feel silly when i talk about these things, but they are true to me. i want to feel connected with everything and everyone on this planet. i want to change my perspective from , 'why am i alive, life sucks," to, "this is awesome, i love." i didn't say i love a, b, or c because i think love in general is enough. loving all encompassingly is probably the best.
anywho...i'm at work and i'm thinking about a pottery class i'll be going to after work. i'm very excited to get to play with clay.....and the wheel.....
i'm currently listening to one song on repeat on itunes. Song: Don't Die In Me. Artist: Mirah.
i love it.
i'm looking forward to having my sister here for two weeks for Christmas. now that holiday time is upon us it's time to get baking. i'm making some cookies today. i'm going to make these angel cookies http://the9010rule.blogspot.com/2008/10/misc.html .
the end. i guess it's time to work....
aaahhhhh...i guess right now i'm on a journey trying to learn how to live with myself, how to accept everything that i am, how to enjoy everything that happens everyday because each experience is unique. if i can quiet the voice in the head, all the unnecessary thinking, i can find moments of peace. they don't last too long but i guess that's the thing to remember. we can't hold on to things that bring us happiness. those things are not meant to be captured. we have to experience them, then let them go, knowing that we will encounter them again.
i feel silly when i talk about these things, but they are true to me. i want to feel connected with everything and everyone on this planet. i want to change my perspective from , 'why am i alive, life sucks," to, "this is awesome, i love." i didn't say i love a, b, or c because i think love in general is enough. loving all encompassingly is probably the best.
anywho...i'm at work and i'm thinking about a pottery class i'll be going to after work. i'm very excited to get to play with clay.....and the wheel.....
i'm currently listening to one song on repeat on itunes. Song: Don't Die In Me. Artist: Mirah.
i love it.
i'm looking forward to having my sister here for two weeks for Christmas. now that holiday time is upon us it's time to get baking. i'm making some cookies today. i'm going to make these angel cookies http://the9010rule.blogspot.com/2008/10/misc.html .
the end. i guess it's time to work....
Monday, October 27, 2008
monday to-do list
in celebration of my mother returning this thursday, i shall
make a list of all the shit i have to get done before then.
hopefully it all gets done today.
1. change turtle water
2. wash dishes
3. put away all my shit
4. clean restroom
5. do laundry
6. clean living room
7. vacuum
8. make food
9. make banana bread
10. take out the trash
11. water the plants
i hate cleaning....i couldn't get myself to do any of it this weekend.
i was lazy lazy lazy. it was awesome.
make a list of all the shit i have to get done before then.
hopefully it all gets done today.
1. change turtle water
2. wash dishes
3. put away all my shit
4. clean restroom
5. do laundry
6. clean living room
7. vacuum
8. make food
9. make banana bread
10. take out the trash
11. water the plants
i hate cleaning....i couldn't get myself to do any of it this weekend.
i was lazy lazy lazy. it was awesome.
Monday, October 6, 2008
i heart recycling....and so should you
I have to give props to my mums for recycling. She has been recycling everything for as long as I can remember. It is from her that I learned my skills. It's still shocking for me to learn of people not recycling...but perhaps it's not as startling as I make it out to be. i wish i could give people more credit but maybe the majority of people are retarded. i know i shouldn't insult people, but come on. we do only get one planet which means we should all do what we can to reduce trash and pollutants. recycling may be one of the easiest ways to do it. so i was trying to find recycling statistics and i came upon this:
"Some states are already far ahead other states on the recycling curve. In Portland, Oregon, for instance, it’s surprising not to see curbside recycling bins -- while in Albuquerque, New Mexico it can be surprising to actually find someone who knows what recycling is, because of the sheer lack of curbside recycling programs available"
http://greenliving.lovetoknow.com/United_States_Recycling_Statistics
"Some states are already far ahead other states on the recycling curve. In Portland, Oregon, for instance, it’s surprising not to see curbside recycling bins -- while in Albuquerque, New Mexico it can be surprising to actually find someone who knows what recycling is, because of the sheer lack of curbside recycling programs available"
http://greenliving.lovetoknow.com/United_States_Recycling_Statistics
In an update to this bleak blog entry, my community now has recycling bins. This is exciting i guess. It will be easier for other people who don't recycle already. I see it as an increase in plastic, as in the plastic of the bin, but whatev. i guess i no longer have to spend time sorting the stuff.....although i probably would still want to. i'm anal about that shit.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
another day another measly dollar
"listen up motherfucker this is mack 10"
how i would love to begin every sentence this way...but alas, my name is not mack 10. so i find myself yet again at work. where else would i be at 7am on a weekday? if i had my way, it would be, still in bed. anywho....i'm retarded. i need to start doing exercise because i'm getting fatter. it wouldn't bother me if my clothes still fit, but they are beginning not to. i need help. the end
how i would love to begin every sentence this way...but alas, my name is not mack 10. so i find myself yet again at work. where else would i be at 7am on a weekday? if i had my way, it would be, still in bed. anywho....i'm retarded. i need to start doing exercise because i'm getting fatter. it wouldn't bother me if my clothes still fit, but they are beginning not to. i need help. the end
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
holy shit
there's a rumbly in my tummy and i can't take it yo.
this is when i wish i could beam myself to my house instantaneously.
oh jesus...i knew i shouldn't have had that fiber one bar at work.
je suis in pain.
too much information, i know, but no one reads this, so it's all good.
this is when i wish i could beam myself to my house instantaneously.
oh jesus...i knew i shouldn't have had that fiber one bar at work.
je suis in pain.
too much information, i know, but no one reads this, so it's all good.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
i love lists...not to be confused with tits...although those are nice too
To Do Thursday
080708
1. water all indoor plants, plant in garage and front yard plants
2. bring in trash can
3. pick up dog poo and ciggy butts
4. sweep kitchen
5. clean restroom
6. put away clothes
7. make dinner
8. go grocery shopping
9. sort bills
Damn this totally seems like too much to do in the hours after work. I know i won't complete this list but seeing it will hopefully put my gears in motion. i'm most interested in chilling though. blargh....the barbq is this saturday. i don't think my friend knows how much work is involved in an endeavor of this sort. she plans on getting all dressed and looking beautiful and blah blah blah. well that's nice, while you do that i'll chill over this hot grill cooking meat and sweating profusely. hey guys, don't i look good.
I might try some psychadelics this weeekend. i am excited. my friend is so focused on guys though. i don't think it'll be the same as X, in that it won't be about touching people and shit. i tried to tell her this but i don't know if she understands....ughh i want to do things one way and she wants them another. i need more friends. i need intellectually challenging friends. i'm at work right now, but if i wasn't i'd scream out in frustration.
I received some baked goods from my friend in cali. they're delicious but they put me to sleep, well not really, but they don't wake me up either. anywho...i'm over it...over it all.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Friday, July 25, 2008
man....eff google maps
what with their street view and all...damn them. on days like these (fridays) i can't stop myself from traversing the l.a. streets and visiting my old haunts. i can't go there in person so i guess pixelated images will have to do. i like checking out all the places i used to party at, where i used to drink coffee, where i used to kick it on the porch with peeps, where i once peed in public....good times man. this blog was going to be about me planning a weekend trip in the not so distant future to the city of Truth or Consequences. the name alone is reason enough to go, at least in my book, and yes there is a book that is mine, and yes, everyone should check it out sometime. what what...that was a long ass-sentence. yes you are reading correctly that sentence came from my ass. the end. man i am just swinging out of control, or rather my emotions are. although i wish i could be literally swinging right now at the park. anywho, onwards and upwards...no no, once again that is applicable for the swings at the park...awww rambling, how i love you so. it really makes the time fly by at work. anywho, the city of T or C is famous for its natural mineral hotsprings. i google street-viewed it and it is quite quaint. i love the idea of driving to this place that's even more godforsaken than the small podunkness that is the town i currently reside in . 505...what what (that's my second what-what of this post, 3rd if you include this one, but who's counting? me). Can everyone see now how i am talk/typing to myself. this is what i feared about the internet, anyone can just post utter nonsense. yes, the internet....truly democratic. anywho, i'm already in T or C in my mind.
i think i figured it out. i quit drinking coffee more than a month ago and today at lunch i got some diet coke, so that caffeine is manifesting itself right now. or i'm just trying to rationalize why i sound like a cray-cray. nope...it's the caffeine. so in book news, i'm re-reading, this time to finish reading, The Brothers Karamazov. the end. i should mos def hit up the library soon though to get some more shit...i like having piles of book that i'm actually interested in reading. i'm really into john irving. i should get the rest of his stuff. the end.
so i netflixed The Peaceful Warrior and was disappointed because the point the movie makes misses the biggest point of the book. has anyone read this. some say it's a cheesy book but i love cheese so it's right up my alley. anywho, this was upsetting in an i-have-nothing-better-to-be-upset-about way.
hmmm...the end for now i think....
the demons have been excorsised.
))<>((
i think i figured it out. i quit drinking coffee more than a month ago and today at lunch i got some diet coke, so that caffeine is manifesting itself right now. or i'm just trying to rationalize why i sound like a cray-cray. nope...it's the caffeine. so in book news, i'm re-reading, this time to finish reading, The Brothers Karamazov. the end. i should mos def hit up the library soon though to get some more shit...i like having piles of book that i'm actually interested in reading. i'm really into john irving. i should get the rest of his stuff. the end.
so i netflixed The Peaceful Warrior and was disappointed because the point the movie makes misses the biggest point of the book. has anyone read this. some say it's a cheesy book but i love cheese so it's right up my alley. anywho, this was upsetting in an i-have-nothing-better-to-be-upset-about way.
hmmm...the end for now i think....
the demons have been excorsised.
))<>((
Monday, July 7, 2008
my heart...it feels like bursting
i have this song going through my head right now. it's a song by the aislers set called 'chicago new york. this is the part that is making me want to cry:
"New York was more of the same
'Til somebody mentioned your name
And I broke down and cried
With less than a day to decide
As much as I don't like to fly
I was in the air again
And I never thought I'd care again
And how do I say that I made a mistake
I wanna try, try, try again
I wanna try, try, try again."
belle and sebastian is also running about my head making me sentimental. and all of this
because of one trip to seattle. i just really wish i had never liked that boy because seeing
him with my friend was really really difficult. i know i should be an adult about it and just
be happy for everyone, but it's too fresh. and he doesn't even know...and even if he knew,
what of it, right? i wish i could just be over it. instead here i am typing this shit, trying to swallow the lump in my throat and hoping that my eyes aren't noticeably red because
i'm crying now. okay the end...no more crying and my next post will hopefully have fun stories
about seattle...for now everyone can suck my big fat black balls. i believe that little tidbit is material from the trip....good times
"New York was more of the same
'Til somebody mentioned your name
And I broke down and cried
With less than a day to decide
As much as I don't like to fly
I was in the air again
And I never thought I'd care again
And how do I say that I made a mistake
I wanna try, try, try again
I wanna try, try, try again."
belle and sebastian is also running about my head making me sentimental. and all of this
because of one trip to seattle. i just really wish i had never liked that boy because seeing
him with my friend was really really difficult. i know i should be an adult about it and just
be happy for everyone, but it's too fresh. and he doesn't even know...and even if he knew,
what of it, right? i wish i could just be over it. instead here i am typing this shit, trying to swallow the lump in my throat and hoping that my eyes aren't noticeably red because
i'm crying now. okay the end...no more crying and my next post will hopefully have fun stories
about seattle...for now everyone can suck my big fat black balls. i believe that little tidbit is material from the trip....good times
Friday, June 20, 2008
El Trip A La Casa De Pot
There's nothing I can do about anything, so why not laugh? I love laughing yo. I got to feeling this way because of one trip to home depot and because of the trip i took after. The latter was a head trip mind you but must still not be discounted. I needed to go to the home dePot to buy my bro-ham a gift card, it's his b-day yo. So my friend and I are in the checkout line, and wham, she begins, "I used to work at Home Depot," she says to the guy at the register. Let the games begin, it's on sucka'. Their little flirty banter continues and there I am thinking, 'great, once again i feel like the fucking bump on a log. I wonder if it's something about me that doesn't let me do that or if i truly just am uncomfortable with that type of interaction. Then i think, well why do some girls always have to do that shit? Does if serve a purpose? It makes it difficult for me not to think that people like these just want attention. Who knows, maybe i'm just jealous. When we leave the store i tell my friend i've been in this position before so i'm used to it. Then she's like no girl he was flirting with both of us....rrrrright.
Anywho while we're getting coffee and trippin' balls i tell her we should go to l.a. sometime to party it up. One of her first concerns is, "Will guys flirt with me over there?" Hmmm...let me think about that, probably. I was just a bit annoyed at this question. It reminds me of the ideas i had about moving to new mexico. Some friends used to tell me, yeah man, you'll find an awesome guy out there, and for a moment, i believed. But I guess the truth is that I feel like i won't find anything, anywhere. I feel like an unappealing bump on a log, at least to guys. Alone it's great, i'm fabulous, but i guess when i put myself in a group setting, the other girl always wins....I was going to end it at this but just typing that last sentence infuriates me...why the hell must it be such a competition and the prize always guys, guys' attentions....Are there any better prizes, cuz i'm over lame dick.
Anywho while we're getting coffee and trippin' balls i tell her we should go to l.a. sometime to party it up. One of her first concerns is, "Will guys flirt with me over there?" Hmmm...let me think about that, probably. I was just a bit annoyed at this question. It reminds me of the ideas i had about moving to new mexico. Some friends used to tell me, yeah man, you'll find an awesome guy out there, and for a moment, i believed. But I guess the truth is that I feel like i won't find anything, anywhere. I feel like an unappealing bump on a log, at least to guys. Alone it's great, i'm fabulous, but i guess when i put myself in a group setting, the other girl always wins....I was going to end it at this but just typing that last sentence infuriates me...why the hell must it be such a competition and the prize always guys, guys' attentions....Are there any better prizes, cuz i'm over lame dick.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
blargh-squared
As my title suggests, i'm in a funk. I don't think i've made enough progress here in new mexico and my relations with my mother are getting worse, or rather i'm making them worse. Last night for instance, while we were watching t.v. together (1st:Nova an excellent show about black holes, then Frontline with the topic being growing up in China) I kept hastlin' her to go to bed. You see, she kept falling asleep on the recliner. Of course she refused and i continued making my huffy sounds. She finally gets up and says, fine i'll leave, i don't know what you want to do that i have to leave but okay, i bug you...yadda yadda yadda. I'm such a bitch. I just want to be completely alone sometimes.
Anywho...i've been slacking off in all aspects. My room is atrocious. Whenever i enter my room i feel overwhelmed with crap. I just want it gone, most of it. I haven't done anything creative in a while and i think i've pretty much given up on being involved in anything. These things need to change. I didn't even wish my father a happy fathers day because it seems like this huge lie. One day of the year i'm supposed to be all cheery and shit. I think i am so far from what/who i used to be, it's incredible. Mein mother keeps bringing up how i no longer care for what she thinks because i don't do what she tells me to anymore. I think about it and for some reason i can't get down with that. the doing of things just because someone tells you to, because to one person this doesn't seem right. Is that what life is? It's these things that make me question my belief in God. I am a horrible person. I think that's the guilt talking.
In conclusion...fuck it...fuck it all, at least for now.
hopefully my next post won't be so funk filled.
))<>((
Anywho...i've been slacking off in all aspects. My room is atrocious. Whenever i enter my room i feel overwhelmed with crap. I just want it gone, most of it. I haven't done anything creative in a while and i think i've pretty much given up on being involved in anything. These things need to change. I didn't even wish my father a happy fathers day because it seems like this huge lie. One day of the year i'm supposed to be all cheery and shit. I think i am so far from what/who i used to be, it's incredible. Mein mother keeps bringing up how i no longer care for what she thinks because i don't do what she tells me to anymore. I think about it and for some reason i can't get down with that. the doing of things just because someone tells you to, because to one person this doesn't seem right. Is that what life is? It's these things that make me question my belief in God. I am a horrible person. I think that's the guilt talking.
In conclusion...fuck it...fuck it all, at least for now.
hopefully my next post won't be so funk filled.
))<>((
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Rrrriiiip It!!!
Holy frugen-frag it's windy as balls outside. As you can see 'balls' has replaced fuck in this case. I notice that my m.o., when it comes to guys, is fairly predictable, to me at least, because i do it the same way every time. It reminds me of the Rilo Kiley song (Plane Crash in C):
"when its all the stupid things
so damn confusing to me
like talking it through
controlling my temper
like letting it go
saying please forgive me
or laughing at your jokes"
I indeed laugh at the jokes, even if they're not that great, but once it's fo' sho' that you and me aint happenin', i check out. The jokes are no longer funny. damn....i have to pee like a mofo. i shall take care of it. [PAUSE]
[RESUME]Where was I? Aww, yes, boys and being over them. I'm over 'the boy' now.
"when its all the stupid things
so damn confusing to me
like talking it through
controlling my temper
like letting it go
saying please forgive me
or laughing at your jokes"
I indeed laugh at the jokes, even if they're not that great, but once it's fo' sho' that you and me aint happenin', i check out. The jokes are no longer funny. damn....i have to pee like a mofo. i shall take care of it. [PAUSE]
[RESUME]Where was I? Aww, yes, boys and being over them. I'm over 'the boy' now.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
conquest.....
i'm listening to white stripes. i'm diggin' this song. hmm...i will finally
meet the boy, next week. it's all good except that at times i revert to
acting like a silly little child, wanting things to go my way. that way
would of course be of the boy liking me and not anyone else.
blargh...yesterday someone told me that i'll find someone, that i have
a great personality. well thank you, i know this but i don't think guys
are into personality, which really turns me off from the whole dating
thing in general.
being non-single is over-rated, i think. perhaps i'm just in denial.
only time will tell.
ps. sometimes i hate my life.
meet the boy, next week. it's all good except that at times i revert to
acting like a silly little child, wanting things to go my way. that way
would of course be of the boy liking me and not anyone else.
blargh...yesterday someone told me that i'll find someone, that i have
a great personality. well thank you, i know this but i don't think guys
are into personality, which really turns me off from the whole dating
thing in general.
being non-single is over-rated, i think. perhaps i'm just in denial.
only time will tell.
ps. sometimes i hate my life.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Blargh
I'm getting restless and my dreams have returned.
They've been guy dreams and i've been rejected,
even in my dreams. I don't know what this means.
My mother is back so i've once again been relegated
to the side of the house for smoking cigarretes. The end.
I feel antsy. I don't know what I need.
They've been guy dreams and i've been rejected,
even in my dreams. I don't know what this means.
My mother is back so i've once again been relegated
to the side of the house for smoking cigarretes. The end.
I feel antsy. I don't know what I need.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
the winds
There are two windows open in my house. My bedroom window and the window over the kitchen sink. These openings have created a very breezy environment inside the house. This house is full of wind sound. Any and all openings have their own sounds. The vent in the restroom makes a noise of distant beating waves. The vent over the stove has a rattle to it. I step outside and the wind whooshes past me. There are no clouds in the sky today only the sun beating overhead. I like the openness of this place. I dream about being in the open without seeing any walls or buildings. Just land, mountains, sun, wind....earth meeting the sky...the horizon.
The dessert is not for everyone. There is always the risk of falling prey to a fata morgana. Maybe the winds do more than blow. Maybe they whisper secrets to us, but we don't know.
The dessert is not for everyone. There is always the risk of falling prey to a fata morgana. Maybe the winds do more than blow. Maybe they whisper secrets to us, but we don't know.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
The many lives of men
I've always wondered what goes on in a man's head...the one on top, not on bottom. I know very well what goes on down there....no good, no good i tell you. I am curious to know what sort of thoughts fill their heads and through which thought processes. Upon first 'hearing' of these thoughts, which seem to be blurted out haphazardly, i think that there may be no process. But things are never as simple as that. Every word that we utter out loud has a purpose. So when men go around talking about their non-existent girlfriends with an inflated tone of manly bravado in their voices, i can't help but think that they are sadly just trying to inflate their ego, and maybe have others validate them through their laughter. Men seem to jump right in on these types of conversations and i get the sense of a brotherhood. The brotherhood of the unused cock. No...i kid. But really i am a firm believer that if you spend most of your time talking, you are not doing. Less talk more do, whether that be cooking, working or effing...it's applicable to everything in life.
So yes...I have weird reactions to men implying their sexual victories and prowess through a simple joke. You do not have a girlfriend. You have a wife....and many many kids. I wonder if men ever really accept the life they have chosen willfully when they enter into a marriage. This is why i'm so reluctant to even think about being involved with a man. They can't seem to get over themselves. Anywho...back to work.
So yes...I have weird reactions to men implying their sexual victories and prowess through a simple joke. You do not have a girlfriend. You have a wife....and many many kids. I wonder if men ever really accept the life they have chosen willfully when they enter into a marriage. This is why i'm so reluctant to even think about being involved with a man. They can't seem to get over themselves. Anywho...back to work.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
gratuitous butt plug
"Who are you?"
A simple question such as this never has an easy answer. It put him on the spot and he had but two choices: to think about it seriously and respond or to deflect her question with a joke about butt plugs. "You are what you plug...." But there was no laughter at his response.
For two years she had been wracking her brain wondering who this man really was. Perhaps she was trying to understand who she was through his answer. She had after all decided to stay with him through two years of torment caused by his inability to form concrete opinions. After all this time she knew she had to prod him to answer...to give word to the unspoken between them.
They had been two opposites flung together through their shared love of juxtapositions. Why not them? they thought to themselves as they entered an agreement where they knew not all the rules. The unspoken seemed to heighten all that they had said. They did not expect their fuel to run out short of the finish line.
"I'm a man of too few words and two great emotions....love and fear." But just what had driven him to such extremes in their relationship? He now had to leave the house at night to find any open mic into which to pour his angst at being a normal twenty-something year old on his way to seeing his life laid out before him, simply uncomplicated. He didn't want this. He wasn't sure he could live so easily. The truth was he was not ready to be ready with her.
She knew the answer as well but like most women could not bear the idea of being alone. She would rather be miserable with someone, anyone, with him. She knew it would be over when she accepted that she wanted to be dominated. Not in a demeaning way, rather in a way that praised her for being so hard to control. Some people needed to be broken. She wanted to be broken. She was tired of holding the reins. The bitch act was getting old. She placed an add in craigslist the next day and was overwhelmed by the sheer number of responses. The men spoke highly of their abilities and claimed to know the secret of her submission. This only, mildly impressed her. At this point she did not know what she wanted, but she did know that she had to end it with mr. butt plug.
"It's over. I told you it was a good idea not to move out of your place. Now you'll just have to hire some movers to get all of your shit out of here. We both know this is the logical conlusion to be reached so why not get to it sooner rather than later. But before you go, would you care for one last shag? If I could only make one suggestion.....?"
"Of course."
A simple question such as this never has an easy answer. It put him on the spot and he had but two choices: to think about it seriously and respond or to deflect her question with a joke about butt plugs. "You are what you plug...." But there was no laughter at his response.
For two years she had been wracking her brain wondering who this man really was. Perhaps she was trying to understand who she was through his answer. She had after all decided to stay with him through two years of torment caused by his inability to form concrete opinions. After all this time she knew she had to prod him to answer...to give word to the unspoken between them.
They had been two opposites flung together through their shared love of juxtapositions. Why not them? they thought to themselves as they entered an agreement where they knew not all the rules. The unspoken seemed to heighten all that they had said. They did not expect their fuel to run out short of the finish line.
"I'm a man of too few words and two great emotions....love and fear." But just what had driven him to such extremes in their relationship? He now had to leave the house at night to find any open mic into which to pour his angst at being a normal twenty-something year old on his way to seeing his life laid out before him, simply uncomplicated. He didn't want this. He wasn't sure he could live so easily. The truth was he was not ready to be ready with her.
She knew the answer as well but like most women could not bear the idea of being alone. She would rather be miserable with someone, anyone, with him. She knew it would be over when she accepted that she wanted to be dominated. Not in a demeaning way, rather in a way that praised her for being so hard to control. Some people needed to be broken. She wanted to be broken. She was tired of holding the reins. The bitch act was getting old. She placed an add in craigslist the next day and was overwhelmed by the sheer number of responses. The men spoke highly of their abilities and claimed to know the secret of her submission. This only, mildly impressed her. At this point she did not know what she wanted, but she did know that she had to end it with mr. butt plug.
"It's over. I told you it was a good idea not to move out of your place. Now you'll just have to hire some movers to get all of your shit out of here. We both know this is the logical conlusion to be reached so why not get to it sooner rather than later. But before you go, would you care for one last shag? If I could only make one suggestion.....?"
"Of course."
Friday, May 2, 2008
It's safe to say that no one will ever read this, which is good because it makes it easier to admit
that i feel like a bumbling fool right now. I operate on contradictions, oscillating from side to side on the spectrum of emotions, thoughts and actions.
For instance, I find myself wishing to be surrounded by men, but when it happens i can't help but
feel akward and out of place. I often, or rather, too often, objectify men. It's all well and good but
i wish it could be taken past the objectifying stage and into the something will definitely happen
stage. Blargh. It's friday and i find myself wishing it were over already. Sometimes i'm great
and all like, 'yeah, man, awesome, good times,whoo,' but now for instance i find no reason
behind anything and i see time as something to get past, to do forevor. Why, though? The
most asked question is the least answered one as well. No one knows or can tell anything about
anything really. Everything is a game and we know not the rules.
I made a huge list of things i wish to accomplish this weekend. At first it filled me with an
emotion close to happiness (maybe at the thought of being busy) but now I see it as a long list of
chores to be tackled, for if they're not they will only keep mounting. It's funny, it seems that
things are more managable when they're not concrete committments. That way you can
juggle everything in the air and feel as if though they are all still possible. Now that i've
committed myself to my to do list all i can think about is that if i were to sit down once and not
focus on the tasks at hand, i will forgo most of them. This is out of the question. Keeping myself
busy is the only way that i have to feel a semblance of sanity. I tell people when they're going
through shit in their lives, 'you gotta keep busy man,' and it's true. The less time i spend think-
ing about my lack of friends or just in general the loneliness that lurks hidden waiting to pounce,
the better. So here it is. My to do list. I love lists and listing...
To Do 05/02-05/04 :2008
-buy drinking water
-change turtle's water
-fix record player
-laundry
-go to DMV (license and registration)
-deposit paycheck
-clean room thouroughly
-put air in bike tires
-go for a bike ride
-work on Julia's and Fatty's package
-pay bills
-wash my truck
-do yoga
-buy cd organizer for car
-vacuum entire house
-clean refrigerator
-pick up the dog doo
-find a tennis partner
-prioritize projects in progress and those yet to be started
*bake clay things
*frame paintings
*work w/plaster and molds
*finish 'samurai-ghost girl' painting
*compile favorite recipes
*create baby picture album
*begin crochet project
*finish knitting project
*get book for book club meeting
and last but not least, *try to talk to more people in the hopes of making friend. yes, singular, friend.
gotta start off slow. The end. I immensely enjoyed listing everything.
Blargh...time to do work things, although my book is getting super awesome right now.
I'm still reading Atlas Shrugged and we're just about to find out who John Galt is. I've read
this book before but i am a book whore and i can't get enough.
))<>((
that i feel like a bumbling fool right now. I operate on contradictions, oscillating from side to side on the spectrum of emotions, thoughts and actions.
For instance, I find myself wishing to be surrounded by men, but when it happens i can't help but
feel akward and out of place. I often, or rather, too often, objectify men. It's all well and good but
i wish it could be taken past the objectifying stage and into the something will definitely happen
stage. Blargh. It's friday and i find myself wishing it were over already. Sometimes i'm great
and all like, 'yeah, man, awesome, good times,whoo,' but now for instance i find no reason
behind anything and i see time as something to get past, to do forevor. Why, though? The
most asked question is the least answered one as well. No one knows or can tell anything about
anything really. Everything is a game and we know not the rules.
I made a huge list of things i wish to accomplish this weekend. At first it filled me with an
emotion close to happiness (maybe at the thought of being busy) but now I see it as a long list of
chores to be tackled, for if they're not they will only keep mounting. It's funny, it seems that
things are more managable when they're not concrete committments. That way you can
juggle everything in the air and feel as if though they are all still possible. Now that i've
committed myself to my to do list all i can think about is that if i were to sit down once and not
focus on the tasks at hand, i will forgo most of them. This is out of the question. Keeping myself
busy is the only way that i have to feel a semblance of sanity. I tell people when they're going
through shit in their lives, 'you gotta keep busy man,' and it's true. The less time i spend think-
ing about my lack of friends or just in general the loneliness that lurks hidden waiting to pounce,
the better. So here it is. My to do list. I love lists and listing...
To Do 05/02-05/04 :2008
-buy drinking water
-change turtle's water
-fix record player
-laundry
-go to DMV (license and registration)
-deposit paycheck
-clean room thouroughly
-put air in bike tires
-go for a bike ride
-work on Julia's and Fatty's package
-pay bills
-wash my truck
-do yoga
-buy cd organizer for car
-vacuum entire house
-clean refrigerator
-pick up the dog doo
-find a tennis partner
-prioritize projects in progress and those yet to be started
*bake clay things
*frame paintings
*work w/plaster and molds
*finish 'samurai-ghost girl' painting
*compile favorite recipes
*create baby picture album
*begin crochet project
*finish knitting project
*get book for book club meeting
and last but not least, *try to talk to more people in the hopes of making friend. yes, singular, friend.
gotta start off slow. The end. I immensely enjoyed listing everything.
Blargh...time to do work things, although my book is getting super awesome right now.
I'm still reading Atlas Shrugged and we're just about to find out who John Galt is. I've read
this book before but i am a book whore and i can't get enough.
))<>((
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Haters: born or made?
When the topic concerns ones love life, or maybe perhaps lack there of, haters are most often made. In my case, definitely made. What i'm hatin' on today is that pesky business of liking someone. Of course it's unrequited, if it were any different i might die of shock.
So for the past six, maybe seven months i've been getting to know some foolio and of course i had to take it there and want to be more than friends. Realistically i know this won't work because 1)we live too far away, 2)he doesn't like me. Perhaps that should've been number 1. Instead of liking me has chosen to like my best-friend and you know what, that's cool. I'm not trying to be a hater on this one. If i'm going to hate, i should hate on the fact that i like people too quickly. I just can't seem to help it but i'm attracted to guys that can be weird and obscure, like myself. I just need to remember that no matter how many laughs there are or even if i think i'm making progress in the 'friendship' relationship, there will always be a girl out there who makes the guy feel so special, you know, able to open up. It never hurts that these girls just happen to be gorgeous. Okay, i am being a hater. Some people say this is natural, in this situtation. I sometimes agree.
Speakin' of hate, i found out why an ex friend of mine dropped me like i was hot. Turns out i was too much of a hater for her. She also felt i was hatin' on her life. What do i have to say about this? I don't recall doing that. I would prefer to think of things differently. I felt myself to be a supportive friend but what can i say, everyone is entitled to their own opinions and feelings. I'm upset because she cut me off like a gangrenous appendage. No warning, no words, no hey, i just don't like you anymore. Even that is preferable but instead i'm in a position i've never been in before. I hate being rejected.
What i did learn from all this mess though, is that perhaps i should try to tone down on the hatin', not all of it, just some of it.
So for the past six, maybe seven months i've been getting to know some foolio and of course i had to take it there and want to be more than friends. Realistically i know this won't work because 1)we live too far away, 2)he doesn't like me. Perhaps that should've been number 1. Instead of liking me has chosen to like my best-friend and you know what, that's cool. I'm not trying to be a hater on this one. If i'm going to hate, i should hate on the fact that i like people too quickly. I just can't seem to help it but i'm attracted to guys that can be weird and obscure, like myself. I just need to remember that no matter how many laughs there are or even if i think i'm making progress in the 'friendship' relationship, there will always be a girl out there who makes the guy feel so special, you know, able to open up. It never hurts that these girls just happen to be gorgeous. Okay, i am being a hater. Some people say this is natural, in this situtation. I sometimes agree.
Speakin' of hate, i found out why an ex friend of mine dropped me like i was hot. Turns out i was too much of a hater for her. She also felt i was hatin' on her life. What do i have to say about this? I don't recall doing that. I would prefer to think of things differently. I felt myself to be a supportive friend but what can i say, everyone is entitled to their own opinions and feelings. I'm upset because she cut me off like a gangrenous appendage. No warning, no words, no hey, i just don't like you anymore. Even that is preferable but instead i'm in a position i've never been in before. I hate being rejected.
What i did learn from all this mess though, is that perhaps i should try to tone down on the hatin', not all of it, just some of it.
Monday, March 31, 2008
pros and cons of hatin'
For a long time now I've considered myself to be somewhat of a hater. I often go off on, well, most things. Being a hater is not an easy thing. There are several things to consider before taking the plunge into haterdom.
1) Not everyone will like you. This is fine though because you already hate them so their opinions do not matter.
2)People you thought were also fellow haters and friends may drop you like it's hot. At first they seem to be down with you, then they start to believe that hatin' is not a good thing. They are wrong.
3)You may be surprised to discover that in some places of the U.S., people convince themselves that being uber-p.c. is the way to go. Their reactions to your thinly-veiled rascist joke may not go over so well. People are funny.
In conclusion, as a hater it is your responsibility to keep it real; to let others know what you think, when you think it. For instance, right now I am thinking that highly priced air travel tickets can suck my balls. No, no wait...technically i suck their balls, they did get my money after all.
ps. there will be ball sucking.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
