i feel like a ghost. I'm not here. i can't even pin down concrete thoughts. there is only an overriding sense of loss and sadness. i don't know who i am or where i fit in. if only i could embrace this, i could find peace. but instead i want to have a place, i want to have friends, i want to be liked. all these things my therapist says are normal, and they may be, but they are driving me crazy. i guess it's the juxtaposition of who i was then, and who i am now. i have very good friends who i talk on the phone with, but they are not here. even when people are here, be it new or old people, i can't reach out and touch them. i dont' know why i feel like i need to touch...to verify their solidity, presence. i can't stand the idea of going through life alone. i know i'm not alone because i have family, but even then, everyone is alone. i can never know anyone truly.
i can feel myself going down down down back to the place i know so well. boo mother fuckin' hoo. it's so sad.
if i stop fighting change i'd probs feel better.
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