lunch-time thoughts and sightings

how am i not myself? how am i not all the qualities, that in my mind, create the image of my perfect self? am i mature? do i have to be, in order to attract guys i'm attracted to? an indie/hipster-girl was chatting up coffee-boy/guy. as she was walking away i saw her blue tights, black flats (kind of ugly-grandma-ish), her choppy boy-cut, her over-sized black embroidered jacket. did it have fur @ the collar? maybe. anywho, i feel weird. a little Ghost World-ish. i observe all these ppl, but i don't know what for. I said fuck it to caring about certain things. like the guy-across-the-street-who-is-singing-as-he-walks. He don't give a fuck. these things always make me happy. i feel as if we are 90% repressed. As in, any outburst of emotion would be ill-received. any authentic expression is hard to bring out. sometimes i want to Outburst. BOOM......confetti everywhere. It's me.